


The Summer Holiday

by Muze



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - 10 Things I Hate About You (1999) Fusion, Cheating, Dancing, Dirty Dancing, F/M, Helion runs this town, I carried a watermelon, Lucien and Elain are pure and lovely souls and deserve the best, Mrs Vanserra is done with Beron's bulshit, Nessian banter, Poor Lucien Vanserra, dumping bad boyfriends, only light referenced rape/assault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-06-06 07:33:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 42,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15189899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muze/pseuds/Muze
Summary: Basically your ultimate summer romcom.Feyre offers to take Mor's place in a dance performance and gets dancing lessons from both Mor's dancing partner Tamlin and her suave nightclub owning cousin Rhysand.Elain discovers her boyfriend is the biggest douche on earth.Lucien and bad luck go hand in hand, thanks no thanks Daddy issues, Other Daddy issues and falling in love with a girl who is already taken.And Nesta just isn't here to give time to mr. Tall Dark and Handsome Cassian. Recognizing a challenge when he sees one, Rhysand makes a bet with Cassian: if Cassian can get Nesta Archeron to go out with him, he'll get a My Little Pony tattoo. Needless to say, Cassian is determined to win this one.Shenanigans ensue





	1. Watermelons- Feyre POV

Big Girls Don't Cry of  Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons was blaring through the radio of an outdated Ford Fiesta that raced over the highway at an unrelenting pace.

That was the summer of 2018, when everyone called me Feyre Darling and I didn’t even mind. That was before Elain’s relationship went to shit, two boys were disinherited from their family business, before the president was shot two months prior to the new election and back when I thought I’d never trust anyone except myself.  
  
That was the summer we went to Vanserra & Nolanson Resort.  
We’d been invited over by Graysen’s family to spend the holiday at a reduced price at one of the cottages on the grounds. It was the first time ever since the global financial crisis we’d be able to enjoy a holiday. My father’s leg hadn’t been smashed by the mob and my mother hadn’t died yet. I could barely even remember it.

Nesta and Elain took turns driving, since my dad couldn’t with his knee and I- well, there’d never been money for me to get my licence. Elain was a courteous driver, using moderate speed, frequently asking if everyone was okay with the music being played and taking regular bathroom breaks. Nesta was merciless, as with everything. Hurling the car across state lines, not making any conversation unless she wanted to be given her drink and completely hogging the radio and only playing her cd’s. I didn’t complain though, not as she aggressively slung her car in front of another when switching lanes or when she harshly pressed the break because she started slowing down too late. I just took a deep breath and lifted my pencil from my sketchbook and continued once we were back to a regular speed. I would’ve loved to stop and go sightseeing in the states we passed, but I knew it wouldn’t happen.

‘Graysen!’ Elain jumped in the arms of her boyfriend when he passed us by at the reception. ‘Elain, love, you’re here! I hope you all had a nice trip? Feyre Darling, Nesta, mr. Archeron.’ The last two names were said with a decidedly tense politeness. I suppressed a smile, Graysen had always been scared of Nesta.  
‘It’s alright, Suriel, I’ll show them around.’ The old man, Graysen explained us, worked as a park cleaner and receptionist. He’d been working for the business for two generations. ‘The man is positively ancient. I guess he’s too stubborn to die. It’s mean to say but his skin simply consists of age spots.’

Graysen was kind enough but you could really tell he’d grown up in fancy circles. He was prejudiced and vain, but not ill meaning, I was sure of it. He’d immediately fallen for Elain the second we moved to town. It had taken him another three months to get her to go on a date with him, but between his charisma and joyful spirit and Elain’s sweet but melancholic nature they were destined to happen.

As we walked towards our bungalow Graysen pointed out all the important spots. Tennis courts, dance grounds, animation rooms for children, the children’s pool, the three adult pools, barbeque spots, golf courts, a soccer field, the lake to go canoeing… It was massive. I could only image  the top 1% of America actually being able to stay at the resort hotel, this looked like something right out of one of those travel Instagram accounts.

We finally arrived at the bungalow… Though that was a condescending word for the place. The bathroom was bigger than our living room at home. The tub could fit four persons easily, the walk in shower was carved out of limestone, a hot tub adorned the back deck.  
Elain gushed over the kitchen, making squeaky noises and touching everything. ‘We won’t be cooking here, Elain. All meals are included.’ Nesta walked into the next room. ‘But how can I not use the opportunity to cook in a kitchen like this?’ Elain muttered as she opened the oven and the glass lid slid under the oven like magic.  
‘I’ll make you a cake. For giving us the opportunity to come here’, she promised Graysen.  
Graysen provided them all with a map of the place. ‘Now excuse me, I got somewhere I got to be.’ He kissed Elain goodbye and took off on his golf cart.  
Two hours later all of us had unpacked. Dad was off checking out some of the things the resort organised, Nesta basked in the sunlight with a book and big pair of sunglasses looking completely unapproachable and Elain was hiding in the shade while making a crossword puzzle.

That left me. I hadn’t expected otherwise. We’d never really been close and most closeness had disappeared completely when we moved back in with our grandparents. So I put on my bikini and decided to discover the pools.

One of the huge adult swimming areas doomed up before me and in the distance, the gleaming hotel stood elevated above the pool. Stairs carved in stone lead from the terrace filled with people nipping their drinks to the party area and pool area.  
It was an oval pool with side whirlpools and a fake waterfall running down from a rock structure. It looked like something out of Pool Master. Palm trees, stone and plants were combined in a skilful way that almost made it look natural. Because of the amount of pools and because the park deliberately had only a couple of hundred people at the same time so the facilities wouldn’t be too crowded, the pool was fairly empty. A whistle was blown and I was pushed aside by a dark muscled hand. Stumbling through the thigh high blue I could just catch a glimpse of a man running through the water as if it possessed no resistance at all. I gasped for breath and focussed on adjusting to the water. Luckily it wasn't too cold. By the time my body stopped shivering, the man had helped an elderly woman to a lounge chair.  
He was, for lack of a better word, stunning.

Whipping his hair back he turned away and met my gaze. His hair was as white as his teeth, I’m sure on anyone else it must have looked silly.  
‘Hey, sorry ‘bout that.’  
‘You were just doing what you had to.’  
‘Yeah and if you fell and chafed your knee I would’ve had to deal with you as well.’  
‘Well, luckily for you I’m not as easily swept off my feet.’

He laughed heartily and offered his hand. ‘I’m Tarquin.’  
‘Feyre.’  
‘I should crawl back on top of that chair.’  
‘Yeah, there’s a ridiculous amount of pool to oversee.’  
‘It’s better than the children’s area. With all those different pools, floaties and waterslides it’s quite hard to spot everything. But it’s exactly there where most accidents happen since some children go in deeper pools than they should, or a playful push goes awry. It’s awful.’  
‘I can imagine. No wonder there are so many guards. I’ve never seen anything like this.’  
‘First time?’  
‘Yeah, although I don’t have anything to compare it to. Are all resorts like this?’  
‘No. This is Hollywood level fanciness.’  
‘Thought so.’  
  
‘I’ll keep an eye on you, Feyre.’  
‘I’m pretty good at keeping myself safe.’  
‘I don’t doubt it’, he laughed.

As I was walking home from dinner, I took the opportunity to discover the grounds a bit more.  It _was_ a beautiful park. They must have a lot of gardeners to keep all the flower beds and trees under control. I thought of the woods at home, which were just trees and dead leaves. The trees guaranteed the residents they had some sense of privacy from the surrounding bungalows and kept sounds from carrying too far. Yet there weren’t that many so as to ward off too much sunlight. At that moment I heard a soft curse.  
A familiar silhouette was struggling in front of me.

‘Tarquin?’  
He startled and bent through his knees. He was obviously carrying something heavy.  
‘Feyre! Hye.’  
‘Where are you taking those watermelons?’  
‘To the staff party.’  
‘Need some help with that?’ I asked as I took one of the giant watermelons from his hands.  
‘Can’t. No guests allowed. House rules.’  
I sighed and pushed the melon back in his hands.  
‘I’m sorry.  Might- might you help me a hand? I’m terribly sorry.’  
‘It’s no problem. I’ve got nothing better to do.’  
‘The Nolansons and Vanserra’s are going to kill me when they find out.’  
‘ That’s alright. My sister is dating Graysen.’  
‘Your sister? Him? Even worse.’

We walked away from the visitor area of the terrain and obviously neared the staff area. There were no flower beds here, and the trees were irregularly planted and bigger.  
Tarquin was great company, talking enthusiastically about little things that happened by the pool that day and recounting some of the more amusing things that had happened to him in the park. I was almost sad when we reached the building.

Nothing could have prepared me for what lay behind that door. I had never been to a real party but I assumed this was it. An awful smell of booze and cigarettes met us as we entered and the dancing crowd were only lit by brightly coloured spots.  
My mom had enrolled me in a dance school as a kid but no move I ever learned came close to the sensual moves and grinding of these people.  
Men throwing women in the air. Women turning and twisting to the beat of the music. And in the middle, with no one daring to go near them, were a blond man and woman, twirling and floating over the wooden floorboards. They were absolutely marvellous as her bright red skirts swung open at each step while he threw his magnificent golden manes up and down on the beat. Their moves were more schooled, their linework more refined and their footwork significantly more technical yet seemingly effortless.  
‘Where did they learn to do that?’  
‘Them? I don’t know. It’s the way they do it in the clubs. Wanna try it?’ he asked whilst shaking his melons. I rolled my eyes. As if. Years of only doing P.E., fishing and chopping wood had left me anything but flexible and fluid. I’d call my moves efficient and woody.

‘Follow me!’ Tarquin yelled as he pushed me with his elbow. I blinked and followed suit through the dancing crowd. I awkwardly shuffled between the dancers, looking at women who were seemingly being held upright only by the hands on their asses, shirtless men snogging the women they were pressing against them.  
‘Can you imagine people dancing like that on the main floor?’ Tarquin laughed as he put down the watermelons and sat down on a bench looking over the room. I put down mine as well and went back to observing them. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. The beat went straight to my body and I was sure even my heart was beating along with the base. I ached to move but I would most definitely make a fool of myself.

The blond man let himself fall backwards and started twisting and shaking, only being held upright by  his lower legs. I’d never seen anyone dance like that.  
How could he posses such muscle and balance to pull that off? I was equally jealous and intrigued.  
‘That’s my cousin, Tamlin. He’s a dance instructor and got me my job here.’  
‘Well that explains how he can dance like that.’  
I stayed silent for a little while longer.  
‘They look great together’, I innocently remarked about Tamlin and the woman.  
‘Yeah. You would think that they were a couple, wouldn’t you?’  
‘Well, aren’t they?’  
‘No. It once looked like they were but something must’ve happened. I’ve only known her to have had one night stands. She doesn’t dare to date anymore.’  
‘Why’s that?’  
‘Eris Vanserra, he's been pursuing her for years now. She hates him but she’s afraid that if she dates someone else, he’ll find a reason to fire her.’  
‘Can’t she find work elsewhere?’  
‘I’m sure her cousin would be able to offer her a job but she really enjoys being a dancing teacher.’  
At that moment a tall and handsome man tapped Tamlin’s shoulder. He stepped aside, allowing tall, dark and handsome to take over the woman.  
‘Speak of the devil. That’s him. Rhysand.’  
He swung the woman up. She planted her knees on his shoulders and started throwing her skirt around, not caring about anyone seeing her underwear. He let her fall down over his hip, letting her slide down his behind and pulling her up through his legs. Was he a dance instructor as well? He probably wasn’t if he was able to offer his cousin a job.  
At that moment, Tamlin spotted us and smoothly danced his way past some of the men and woman. He simply exuded sex appeal and confidence.

Tarquin had just turned away from the crowd, trying to move a bit as Tamlin jumped on him.  
‘Yo cous’, he greeted him.  
‘She doin’ here?’ The way he looked at me made my heart flutter but it also made me feel incredibly small.  
‘She came with me. She’s with me.’ He immediately said.  
‘I carried a watermelon’, I claimed confidently. 

_I carried a watermelon_?  Just terrific.

He looked back at Tarquin with obvious dismay and walked back towards the dance floor. He wasn’t going to cause a scene but he obviously wasn’t happy.  
Tarquin and I exchanged glances and went to get drinks as the party carried on.  
Tamlin found me again though. As the dancing crowd split up and he and his previous partner both turned to find other ones he suddenly focussed on me. I froze.

No.

No he wasn’t.

He wouldn’t. I could barely awkwardly shake my shoulders.  
He grinned, signalling me to come closer.

Oh yes. He _was_ going to make me dance.

I didn’t want to make a fool of myself but I was so going to regret it if I didn’t take the opportunity to dance with this man.

He pulled me forward into the crowd. I cast a last glance at Tarquin, who just shook his shoulders. _Don’t make this too embarrassing,_ I prayed as he grasped my hips and started moving.  
Now what?  
He pushed my shoulders down and nodded his head to indicate when I should move my hips. If I put a wig on a broom, you couldn’t tell the difference.  
He didn’t give up though.

‘Good, that’s better’, he commented as he put a casual arm around my waist. My attempts at rhythm  fell flat against his smooth moves, but he didn’t seem to mind.  
‘Now turn this way’, he instructed me after I finally got it. He demonstrated the moves in an exaggerated way. These though, I didn’t manage.  
‘No, watch.’ He did the movements again. I bit my lip as I tried to mimic it. Shaking his head, he gently took my hips and guided me with his own movements. I slid one of my legs between his in the way the other couples did and let myself sink a bit more through my knees. I would do this and I would succeed.  
He laughed. ‘Exactly.’ He let his hands fall down and let his hips do all the talking.

Too soon the song ended and he left me. I looked around, suddenly feeling self-conscious all over again. I couldn’t find Tarquin anymore and I didn’t dare to look for him between all the drunken people.

Lost, I stumbled upon to kitchen. After the claustrophobic feel of the dance floor I welcomed the silent empty place and just walked around the countertops to collect myself.

A silent sob broke the muted noise in the room. Curious as to where it came from I found the woman in the red dress from before.

‘Hey, are you alright ?’  
‘Does it look like I’m alright ?’  
I sat down on the floor with her.  
‘Do you need anything? Water? Hankerchief?’  
‘Water would be nice.’ Even with black smears of makeup on her face, the blonde was more stunning than almost everyone I ever met. They must be hiring people based on their looks here.  
I opened a couple of cabinets until I found a glass and filled it up with some water before returning it to her.  
‘I’m sure that whatever it is, we can work something out.’  
She huffed a laugh. ‘Oh baby, you have no idea of the kind of mess I’m in. There’s no getting out of this one… Unless something else gets out very soon.’  
The door opened again. I glanced over my shoulder. I signalled to Tarquin he should get out again and he disappeared without a noise.  
‘Why? What’s going on?’

The woman shook her head.  
‘What’s your name? I haven’t seen you around before.’  
‘I’m Feyre. I just arrived.’  
‘What do you do?’  
‘I’m just here on a holiday.’  
‘You shouldn’t even be here. And you especially shouldn’t know about staff problems.’

That was when Rhysand, Tamlin and Tarquin barged in again. The two aforementioned men immediately coming for the woman.  
‘Mor, what’s the matter?’ He took off his blazer and put it over her shoulders.  
‘I- I didn’t want to tell you Rhys, I didn’t want to get you worried. I thought I could solve this on my own without bothering anyone, including you Tamlin.’  
Tamlin crossed his tanned arms as he leaned against the countertop.  
‘Why? What would you bother me with?’

Mor took a deep breath to steady herself before looking Rhysand in the eye.  
‘I’m pregnant. I- I wanted to get rid of the baby but it turns out that the only moment one of the nearby clinics has an opening, I’ve got to work. And you know I can’t call in sick without giving up a reason to the administrators for my regular work here at the resort. But if I make an appointment at that time, that means I won’t be able to perform in Hotel Cortez.’  
Apparently that meant something to Tamlin, as his expression got even more grave.  
‘Mor, we can take you to another doctor, or another clinic. Money is no matter, and neither is time.’ Rhysand purred soothingly. If I were her, I would immediately believe whatever he told me. He had such a soothing and convincing voice.  
‘I’m forced to be here during the opening hours of every clinic except that night Rhysand. That’s the only time when I don’t have to work for the resort. But the performance at the Cortez is the biggest performance for me and Tamlin each year. I can’t cancel it. Besides, that would be unfair to Tamlin. It’s so fucked up. Like it wasn’t enough that bastard raped me, he had to knock me up with that unholy offspring of his.’  
‘I thought Eris didn’t-‘ Tarquin mumbled to himself. Unfortunately, Mor heard him. Her eyes were sharp when she looked at him.  
‘He didn’t. But Graysen sure did. Eris tried the longest but Graysen and him entered a bet about who’d manage to lay with me first.’

Graysen? Elain’s Graysen? The sweet cool kid of our town had actually raped someone and cheated on Elain. Shock couldn’t cover what went through me. It was blinding rage and disbelief. How could he have cheated on my sister. And not just cheated, but cheated by raping an employee of his father. It made me sick to my stomach. I had to tell Elain. But how could I break this to her? Her world would be absolutely shattered. She’d been with him for years and there had never been any problems as far as I knew. More so,  we were here on a holiday on his invitation and so that she could spend time with him. I had even imagined the two of them would have gotten married at some point in the future.

‘And after the summer holiday?’  
‘I’m already a month along. I’ll be four months pregnant then. It has to be now. Besides, if I wait another two months they’ll surely fire me because I’ll start showing and the rule is clear. No pregnant employees’, she sighed in response to Rhysand.

‘Can’t you like, file a complaint against him?’ I asked gently. Surely there had to be procedures for this? Everything in me screamed that this couldn't be legal.  
Mor shook her head. ‘You’re sweet but no. What am I going to do? Stepping to the police about statutory rape and sexual assault against the two eldest sons of the people who own this place? I’ll be fired within a heartbeat.’  
‘Mor, she has a point. You can’t let this go on. You know you’re not the only one who they’ve done this to. It’s worth risking your job if it means saving yourself and many others. You can get another one. I can work something out.’  
‘Rhys no. I love dancing. It’s the only thing that gives me genuine joy and this is the best paying job in the area. Besides, hiring me would be too expensive, you’ve already reached your maximum amount of employees to still be able to make a good profit to make your business grow.’

‘Than what do you want to do?’ Tamlin asked, finally breaking his silence.  
‘I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know.’

‘I could do it. It’s not like I have anything better to do.’  
So many things were going through my head but I didn’t allow myself to take it back.  
But the strongest voice was that of Gimli from Lord of the Rings.  
“ _Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for_?” Well, I had always been the one ready to get my hands dirty to save the family out by getting a job, chopping wood and fishing, so why not _choose_ to help out for once, instead of having to do it.  
Besides, I had always wanted to dance. Doing this meant I would finally be able to learn.

Tamlin started laughing, but he appeared to be the only one to dislike the idea.  
‘Well’, Tarquin said. ‘I can’t see why not. The other employees probably have to work and it’s not like you’re going to cancel the performance at the hotel, or will you Tamlin?’  
‘Boy’s got a point’, Rhysand agreed.  
‘Of course I’m not going to cancel the performance. It’s the best paying performance we have the whole year. But the performance is in three weeks. We have to learn the mamba, the chacha and the paso doble in three weeks. Do you even know what those dances are?’  
‘Sure, I’ve seen Dancing with the Stars.’  
Tamlin bit his cheek.

  
‘This is going to be great.’ He took a deep breath before continuing. 'Thank you for doing it. But I can’t say I’m not more than a little bit afraid.’  
‘Thank you’, Mor smiled, tears still streaming freely.  
‘It means a lot to us’, Rhysand agreed.


	2. Cocktails and Tears - Elain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elain discovers the awful truth about her boyfriend but a certain red haired bartender is there to lend an ear. Nothing's ever perfect, and that's okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thank you so much for the likes and kind comments! I’m sorry the story takes such a serious turn so soon but I promise it’ll get more fun after this chapter. Next chapter is going to be a Nessa POV, but it won’t always be the same order. The chapters will depend on whose POV is the most important for the events that are unfolding.  
> This chapter I’ll be introducing Lucien and some minor characters.  
> If some are wondering: I’m not going to defend Tamlin or pretend he doesn’t have character flaws, his flaws will definitely be present, but I believe his behaviour from ACOMAF on to be caused from PTSD and very specific events which will obviously not take place here, so he’s not going to be the big bad.

 

Back at home,  Graysen and I had only ever gone to the single diner in our town or a basic school dance. We had never been able to enjoy some time alone together so being able to enjoy a walk together with only the crickets as our witnesses was absolute bliss.  
He talked about his college and exams while I told how my online courses went. He’d always pitied me because I wasn’t able to enrol in a real college. Even though daddy had recently recovered a bit of our former wealth, it was still impossible to pay for a dorm, books and the actual enrolment. Even the gas we’d have to pay for our car if we went up-and-down to our nearest college would still cost a small fortune. So Nesta and I would continue our online classes for our undergrad.

I told Graysen about the plans Nesta and I had made to start working next year so we could gather some money for our master degree. Graysen was glad for me but had worried about how much time we’d be able to spend together. Yet I couldn’t just use the money at home without making any anymore. I was twenty and did nothing while eighteen year old Feyre had been working for three years. She still didn’t have her driver’s license and the guilt was really pushing down on me.  
 I knew she blamed us, though she tried her hardest to hide it while Nesta did her best to hide her shame and frustration. By trying to force our dad to make up for it by doing nothing herself, she had caused Feyre to take up all the tasks since dad didn’t.

I slid off my heels and padded towards the kitchen. Graysen was going to start working here next year, having finished his degree. Life was definitely going to change for us. It had been hard the last couple of years because we had to travel to meet each other but with literal states between us, who knew what would become of us. I searched the cupboards looking for something that could pass as a vase.  
We’d thought about moving in together. I could look for a job in the area. I could do my classes anywhere anyway.  
Graysen told me he was willing. Yet, yet… We’d only been together for a year before he went to college and we saw each other a total of maybe ten weeks a year. I loved him with all my heart but the truth of it was that I wondered whether we were ready. I knew people who got married or moved in together while knowing each other for an even shorter period of time. But we were so different, our lives weren’t in sync. Graysen had a wild streak, wanted to explore everything the world had to offer and climb as high as he could. He had such incredible plans with the resort, I adored his ambition but I doubted he was as ready to settle as he said he did.

I finally found a vase and filled it up with water and put in the flowers I’d gathered during our walk. They were the blue of my sisters’ eyes and the red of Feyre’s blush. It was so adorable how easily she blushed, I doubted she was even aware of it.

We hadn’t reached an agreement tonight, just like we hadn’t the past two months. What to do? I buried my head in my hands. Whatever I decided, it wasn’t going to be easy. I was more than willing to move and I loved Graysen. Yet somehow, the idea of moving in with him didn’t sound very appealing. Was this a sign? Some inner spirit telling me not to do this? If only someone could give me a clear sign like in the fairytales.

I startled when the front door opened again. I thought I’d be the last one to come home. Was it Nesta? She often took late night walk to clear her head.

‘Feyre, are you sure you want to do this?’ I didn’t recognise the male voice. Was Feyre taking a man home? I slapped my hand across my mouth.  
_You go girl!_  
‘Of course, Tarquin. I mean, it’s so important for Mor to be able to go to that appointment.’  
‘Alright then. I’m really happy you do though! Like really, it’s so amazing. My cousin can never repay you.’  
‘Don’t say that yet. I still don’t know how to dance.’  
‘Luckily you’re under the guidance of two of the most talented dancers I know.’  
‘Yeah… It’s still sad I’ve got to help though. This shouldn’t have happened in the first place.’  
‘Yeah, I knew Eris was a scumbag and Graysen a spoilt rich kid but damn… Raping Mor? That’s just criminal. I can’t believe they’re getting away with this.’  
Eris and Graysen? _My Graysen_? It had to be, the name wasn’t that common, and certainly not when mentioned in the same sentence as the name of the oldest Vanserra kid. But… Raped?

‘Feyre, didn’t you mention your sister was dating Graysen?’  
So it _was_ my Graysen. No, no no. This couldn’t be happening.  
I couldn’t distinguish what she said next.

  
‘Are you going to tell her?’  
‘I have to. He cheated her and raped an innocent employee. But how? She will be devastated.’  
I was lucky my hand was already in front of my mouth when the first sob left my mouth.  
Graysen? How? Why?  
‘Besides, it’s because of him we got to holiday here. Telling her would instantly ruin our only chance at relaxation away from home we’ve had in years. Can I do that to my family?’  
She couldn’t. I knew she couldn’t.  
We finally got here. I’d be damned if I let him take both my dignity and holiday from me.  
But how could I go on? As long as we’d be here, I’d have to have a relationship with me. Let him have sex with me… Knowing he had… had… How could he have done this! It just didn’t sound like him. But how could they say such things without knowing for sure?

I had to break my silence.  
‘No. And you don’t have to Feyre’, I said as I walked towards the front door.  
The figures near the door froze.  
‘Elain! You- you’re still up?’  
I nodded.  
‘How- How do you know that happened?’  
‘My cousin is a dancing instructor and teaches together with Mor. Tonight she told us she was pregnant because Graysen raped her.’  
‘I just- I don’t understand why he would do such a thing.’  
‘A bet. It’s completely despicable but true. Eris and him entered a bet as to whom could bed her first. Those two are the oldest sons of the Vanserra’s and Nolansons, they’ve been entering bets and competitions since they were kids.’  
That I knew, they’d always had some competition. Graysen was destined to succeed his father while Beron was going to appoint his best equipped son. Eris, being the oldest, had always wanted to become the successor and had found no better way than trying to systematically depict his brothers in a bad way and present himself as a cunning and smart man, using the competition between him and Graysen to show his father he was a match or even better than the son of his partner.  

‘Elain I’m so sorry.’  
‘It’s better to know it now. And to think I was almost going to move in with his. Well, he made my decision very easy, I guess.’  
‘What are you going to do?’  
‘For now? I don’t know. Keep up the act I guess. I really want us to enjoy this holiday.’  
‘At the price of you having to pretend everything is fine?’  
‘I spend the majority of the day with our family, I can bear the couple of hours with him for the benefit our family.’  
‘But won’t it be… Tainted?’  
‘Well, it’s nicer to mourn in a pretty spot than a cramped home’, I sighed. Feyre finally left the doorframe and took me in her arms.

‘I’m so sorry for you, Elain. If I could, I’d have his head for this. You know, you and Mor should get together and ruin his reputation. He shouldn’t get away with this. John Tucker Must Die- style.’  
‘Taking revenge won’t help my heartache or Mor’s situation.’

 

 

 

 

 

Sleep didn’t come easy to me that night. I just couldn’t comprehend it. I couldn’t imagine a world without Graysen, I had doubted whether he was ready to settle now, yes, but I had already envisioned our future together. We were growing towards a place and personalities that could work so well together. After a messed up home situation, a life with him offered everything I had previously lacked. Stability, economical safety, a nice job. I knew that with him I could raise kids who’d lack in nothing.

Dad was drinking coffee, Nesta was buttering her toast in a somehow menacing manner. It was such a mundane scene. How utterly absurd. The world was simply spinning in a different way and here they were like nothing had happened! Tears welled in my eyes but I knew I couldn’t show it. Especially not to Nesta, and she would most definitely know something was up the second I let my façade slip. My sadness threatened to turn into anger. He even forced me to lie to my family while I despised lying.

‘Hey Elain, was your bed as nice as mine? Can’t remember ever having slept on a mattress that soft’, Feyre asked innocently.  
‘Yeah, they’re nice aren’t they?’ dad agreed.  
‘Oh, they’re fine I guess. But it takes some getting used to. I’m so used to my own bed. I had to find a comfortable way to lie in this one.’  
She took the hint.

I took a couple of croissants from the tray. ‘I’m going to read a bit on the deck.’ I decided. No one joined me.  
The day passed like the previous one, Nesta and dad disappearing to some kind of activity and after urging a lingering Feyre I needed some space, I was finally left alone.  
Alone, literally. I’d so wished to have some alone time, as the house had always been small and the walls so thin. But now I really _felt_ alone.  Because even in those rare instances I was literally alone, I knew there was someone out there for me, just a text message away. And now I’d lost that.  I took my time to yell and cry before forcing myself to take a cold bath. I mechanically dressed in some of my prettier evening clothes and did my make-up with sharp precision, but made sure to use waterproof eyeliner. The crying had left me exhausted and drained and suddenly I didn’t want to be in the same place as I cried in anymore. I had to get out and pretend I was fine. Because I _had_ to feel fine. Pretending to be fine had always helped me to break my negative spiral. If I could just find someone willing to make small talk I would feel better. So the bar was where I’d go.

…

 

I thought.  
It seemed the owners weren’t the only ones preying on the employees.  
‘Lucien, could you come to my room tonight? I could really use some extra guidance. I’ve been struggling with my German pronouns.’ A woman with lips and nails painted a dark purple traced her fingers across the hand of the obviously uncomfortable bartender.  
‘Hey, could I order something?’ I asked gently.  
‘Yeah! Sure’, he said shooting an apologetic look to the woman.  
‘What can I get you?’  
‘I don’t know. I haven’t been here before. What do you suggest?’  
‘Do you have any preferences?’  
‘Something that tastes like summer, preferably.’  
‘That I can do.’

He took his sweet time slicing wedges of lemon, dicing strawberries and chopping mint.  
The woman with the red hair finally huffed and left.  
‘Did she bother you?’  
‘We work to serve. Customers can never bother me’, the sarcasm in his voice was overtly obvious.  
I shot him a look and he grinned.  
‘Some women think that money can buy them just about anything here. It’s just how it goes. Their husbands take them here, on a holiday, but they keep on working’, he explained while presenting me the cocktail, ‘and they allow their women to spend as much as they like to compensate for their absence. And so their eyes start wandering. Some of us do it for the money and don’t mind. Even though they know they can get fired when the owners find out. Others of us do it because they don’t dare to turn the customers down. It wouldn’t be the first time one of the guests told lies because they got rejected. It usually ends with the personnel getting fired. No matter what they say.’  
‘Well fuck.’

‘Excuse me?’ he asked with an amused smile.  
My hands shot in front of my mouth.  
‘Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t intend on that slipping past my lips. It’s just that I heard a similar story last night. I can’t believe that these kinds of things are still allowed in 2018. There should be a policy for this and everyone deserves to be protected.’  
‘You did? About whom?’  
I buried my face in my hands.  
‘I really shouldn’t be telling this. Don’t mind me.’  
‘No, please. If someone else is getting hurt I want to know who. Maybe something can be done about it.’  
‘Like what? If I wasn’t here that woman would still be bothering you.’  
‘I can take care of myself. She can’t touch me, no matter if I reject her. It’s just that she’s a high paying customer so I don’t want to be rude to her. And I can try and see if I can help someone else here.’  
‘Promise not to tell?’  
He remained silent. I looked up from between my fingers. He was offering his pinkie.  
I huffed a laugh and twisted mine around it.  
‘It’s about my boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend. He hurt another employee.’  
‘And he’s a visitor as well?’  
‘No, Graysen Nolanson.’  
‘Him? Well, I don’t like to judge and I don’t know your relationship. But he’s got quite the reputation here. He kind of looks down on the staff.’

‘Did he lead a double life or something like that? Apparently everyone here knows he’s mean but me. Where were all of you when I started dating him. I can’t believe I misjudged him that much.’  
‘Did you meet him here?’  
‘No, back at home a couple of states away.’  
‘Well then, his behaviour seems to be limited to the places where he can abuse his father’s name.’  
‘Is he really that bad? I’m sorry, I only just heard of it last night. My boyfriend and this version of Graysen just seem miles apart.’  
‘Well, that depends on your definition of bad. I’ve known him my entire life. He has the oddest relationship with my brother. They seem to have genuine fun together and go out all the time but they’re constantly having these power measuring contests between the two of them. I’d say he can be nice to people. There’s a reason why all of the chairmen love him and he’s got a good rep with the customers. But we’ve often overheard him talking bad of the staff.  
He loathes Tamlin, thinks he should be fired because of his temper and the way he doesn’t just do what he’s told to do where his dancing is concerned. But I think he’s just jealous. Tamlin is popular with the clients, especially with the women. When he does a dance performance it’s quite sexy and they’d rather not have that, because they claim this is a family business but most people who come here love it.  
 Suriel gets a lot of hate as well. He’s an old man, honestly, they should be grateful he still chooses to work and he does a terrific job. But Graysen does nothing but call him an ugly gossip. He gossips yeah, but everyone around here does. And he’s the kind of arse that only disapproves of things when people he doesn’t like do it.  
And the women, they’re just playthings. It’s a classic example of knowing he has power and using it to get away with it.’

‘How has he treated you? You’ve encountered that behaviour first hand?’  
‘ I’m a Vanserra. Talking bad about me would set about a big fight. To him, I’m mostly invisible, since I’m not in his way of leading the business. But I’ve heard him talk plenty during joint family dinners, and I can’t say I enjoyed his blasé speeches or depreciating jokes. He thinks all of us enjoy talking bad about others.’  
‘You’re a Vanserra?’

I should have known, really. The dark copper hair, the slender face, the high pronounced cheekbones, the tall stature… They were tell-tale Vanserra features. I’d heard Graysen talk about them. And I’d seen them on pictures before, but I never really paid them much attention. He was more tan than I thought he’d be, though. The Vanserra’s seemed so pale in pictures.  


‘Which one? Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean it like that. It’s just that there’s a lot of you. Let me rephrase that, I sounded so rude. I’m Elain, what’s your name?’  
He huffed a laugh, his sharp features bending into an easy smile. ‘I’m Lucien.’  
‘Hye Lucien, pleased to make your acquaintance.’  
‘Nice to make yours, although it would’ve been nicer had it been under different circumstances.’

Some customers came and went and we picked up the conversation a bit later.  
‘So, what’s a Vanserra doing behind the bar?’  
‘Earning money.  Just like anyone else working here.’  
‘Why work though? I thought the Vanserra’s didn’t work and just profited from their investments.’  
‘They do. But most will step into the family business. I probably won’t. So I try to have an own savings account for when I’m out of the family home for good.’  
‘That’s… Incredible.’  
‘It’s nothing special. Almost everyone needs to work for their money. Besides, it’s not like I’ve got a choice. If you’re dating Graysen, you know our father will choose his heir instead of just giving his position to the eldest.’  
‘Yes.’

The conversation quieted down as some other customers talked to me or him. As the evening progressed and folk started leaving, I observed the long haired redhead again. He had a sharp pair of eyes, regularly scanning the room for new customers or empty drinks. A natural scowl appeared on his face whenever he stopped talking. He wasn’t unhandsome though. He just had the same unapproachable but attractive face Nesta was both cursed and blessed with.

 

‘So, what are these daddy issues that keep you from entering in the family business?’  
He shook his head while cleaning a glass. ‘You better have a couple of hours to spare. My childhood is full of them.’  
‘I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t have the time or patience to listen to you.  But you don’t have to tell anything you’re uncomfortable with.’  
Maybe listening to him would distract me from my own suffering for a moment. Or humble me about the seriousness of my heartache.

  
‘Fair enough. Hmm, where to start? Let’s start with the basics, shall we? You’ll quickly figure out that my dad and Nolan are a real equal match, they’re two awful fathers.’  
My confusion seemed to urge him on.  
‘My parents’ marriage was never a happy one. Just a wealthy woman being urged to marry a wealthy man. My mother was a gentle soul though, and determined to find love in her marriage. But the only place my father seemed to be affectionate was the marriage bed. I believe that’s why they had so many children. My father was a sleezy man who didn’t believe in birth control and my mother was deprived of any other form of intimacy except sex. Now my parents were okay with having many children. What they didn’t agree upon however, was the way in which to raise them. My dad wanted all of his children to be smart and successful. He sent us to the toughest of boarding schools and constantly urged to compete with each other. When one won a price, they got rewarded with his affection. The eldest ones have been fighting since before I was born. And my dad, being the horrid man he is, just let it happen. He let them fight and bicker, constantly fighting to prove they were the best. He even encouraged it. He taught them about economics, marketing, the business. He watched them like a hawk, analysing their behaviour, determining who made the smartest move to determine who to give the business to.’  
‘Geez, what did your mom say about all of that?’  
‘She got mad, they fought, he beat her and she shut up. Her voice didn’t matter. He didn’t want us to be “whimps”, I believe he said.’  
‘How- How did all of you manage? I would just break under that kind of pressure. That can’t be beneficial to a child’s wellbeing.’

‘It wasn’t. I, being the youngest and kind of unexpected, didn’t get any attention as a child, it all went to the boys who were playing his little game of thrones. I believe I was lucky one. My dad didn’t look at my upbringing too much and my mother made sure to give me as much love as she could in order to keep me from craving my dad’s attention as much as the others. Of all my brothers, Eris took the competition the most serious. Being the oldest, he felt entitled to the position and would do anything to get it. So he made sure he wouldn’t lose the game by following every course he could, and agreeing to every engagement that showed how good and responsible he was. And his ultimate advantage to my brothers was his bond with Graysen. By engaging in competitions with the other heir he showed he could rival or even beat his future co-owner of the firm. We’ve all by now accepted that Eris, no matter how awful he is, will become the heir. My brothers accepted that they would just have to be kind to him so that he would give them a nice job. Spineless basterds.’  


‘And you decided you didn’t want to work for a brother who had zero cares for anything but winning his father’s awful game?’  
He nodded. ‘I don’t want any part in it. Especially because he isn’t just awful but also completely disrespectful of the staff. He’s forced so many into doing stuff for him by means of intimidation and threats. I won’t stand for it.’

I didn’t know what to respond to that. After only ever hearing about Graysen’s side of the firm and how much of a burden it was to step in his father’s footsteps, it was odd to hear so many siblings willingly fighting for that position to the point of ripping their family apart.  


‘That’s just fucked up. I’m glad you managed to steer clear of that toxic game.’  
‘I’m not really the miracle child who saw the light. I just got lucky that some people did care about me and made me see the truth for what it was.’  
‘How so?’  
‘If I hadn’t been years younger than my other brothers, I would have been swept up in my dad’s game as well. It was just plain luck that my father was too occupied to manipulate me. And my mother took full advantage of that neglect to teach me as much about selflove and the importance of independence. And when I turned fifteen, my girlfriend taught me how important it was to be my own man and find my own path of life. She told me I didn’t owe anything to anyone where my life choices were concerned. I shouldn’t feel guilt for not entering the family business. She was a true inspiration, that wild child.’  
‘That sounds like a very mature thing for a fifteen year old to say.’  
‘She was absolutely way ahead of her years’, he laughed, his eyes growing distant.  
‘What is it?’  
‘I miss her, sometimes.’

‘You’ve broken up?’  
‘My father didn’t really agree to me dating the child of one of his employee’s. Especially a black one, heaven forbid we live in a society where love knows no colour.’  
‘But you just said you didn’t listen to your dad and that he didn’t pay you much attention.’  
‘Oh but that sure got his attention. The fighting in our house was intense. And there was only so much pressure and turmoil I could take before I started cracking. I took it out on her, my friends, the world. You know, classic teen behaviour, misdirecting of anger. It took some time for her lessons to seep in. But by that time, my dad had successfully driven us apart.’

 

‘So how ‘bout your family?’  
I took a deep breath and finished my third drink. ‘We’ve encountered some bad luck but we’re not bad, I think. I mean, I thought I had it bad but now I see that’s much more down to circumstances than a bad family dynamic. I mean, we all love each other.’

Lucien pushed a glass of water towards me.  
‘That sounds like the kind of disclaimer someone gives before telling a real awful story about their relationship.’  
I shook my head.  
‘I actually mean it. My dad used to be a jeweller. A pretty good one if you ask me. We lived in New York City and everything was good. We had that typical upper middle class life and my mom regularly hosted nice parties, though we were too young to attend. But we did get leftover fingerfood and desserts the next day so life was good.’  
Lucien laughed, recognising the scenario he had no doubt also encountered.  
‘My mom was a gorgeous woman, fit and charming. She wasn’t that good at mothering, and didn’t have patience for our tantrums nor did she comfort us when we cried. I think she just didn’t like to deal with emotional things. She loved to dress us up, show us off, watch movies with us. She wouldn’t take us to an attraction park however, all those screaming children and dirty benches to sit on… Not her scene.’  
‘I could imagine, those poor Versace jeans your daddy worked so hard for couldn’t possibly get dirty.’  
‘Hey! She was a business consultant in her own right. You know, the kind that tells failing businesses what they should do to get better? She was great at tackling business models and analysing finances. That were logical things she could solve, unlike children’, I laughed.  
‘Yeah, they are a particularly nasty side effect of –‘  
‘Lucien! Stop it.’

We couldn’t stop sniggering though. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the following part of my story.  
‘But then she died. Nesta took it particularly hard, she worshipped our mother. Sometimes I’m afraid she takes after her just a little too much. Nesta and Feyre look like her, which is nice I guess, mom was pretty but I think she influenced Nesta in a bad way, she’s just as focussed on knowing everything about economics, never shows her emotions… She’s just so emotionally reserved I wonder if she’ll ever be able to truly connect with someone.’  
Lucien remained silent and I realized I’d made the silence linger a bit too long.  
‘Anyways, we dealt with that and lived in comfort for about two years until the mob trashed our jewellery because dad wanted out of their whole “we offer you protection as long as you pay us” nonsense. They stole everything and the cost was just too high for dad to pay. And because it was a mob affair, the insurance gave us nothing. We had to sell the house and the shop and move back in with our grandparents. That would’ve been fine, though difficult, if they hadn’t shattered my dad’s leg and fractured his left hand. He couldn’t work the first couple of years and it was really tough, you know? Nesta was so angry with him. She blamed him and things were just tense and bad. And Feyre was still so young, not even in high school yet. But because dad couldn’t do anything and Nesta refused to in an attempt to push our dad, Feyre took on many tasks… And I’m to blame too. I just closed myself off and refused to think about it. Pretending everything was fine was the only way I could go on. I know it’s weak. I was basically lying to myself. I just pretended I was visiting my grandparents and just helped my granny with whatever she did. Cleaning, baking, gardening, just like I did when I actually visited. She’s the most amazing gentle soul, I’m so happy she’s still with us. I wouldn’t know what to do without her.  But well, helping her didn’t do anything substantial. I didn’t try to do something that earned money, I just tried to ask for as little as possible. I was an awful sister, it was selfish of me. Feyre really helped though, she went fishing, distributed newspapers, chopped wood. Nesta took over all the finances and went through them with my grandfather each month. They made sure there was a household to care for. A year ago my dad was contacted by the police to help the mob investigation, because of his help, the gang was arrested and he finally got financial support. His hand and leg were finally healed and well, Graysen offered us a holiday here so we could spend some time together. I thought there was no end to my happiness.’  
‘Your grandmother needed the help though, an elderly woman couldn’t possibly manage a household of - how many is it – five people on her own.’

I shrugged. ‘Maybe that was why I always wanted me and Graysen to work out. He was able to offer stability and just well, everything else that a family needs to be perfectly happy.’

‘And now you feel relieved that the future you lost probably wasn’t going to be that perfect? Yeah, his family seems perfect but it ain’t. His dad was your typical neglectful dad who compensated with gifts and loved to show off his son. Graysen was the typical spoilt rich kid who felt he was better than anyone else because of his dad but felt inadequate compared to his old man and tried to do everything to get his attention. I gathered he excelled at sports at school? His dad constantly boasted about it, that’s why my brother decided to become good at it as well.’

A long silence stretched between us.  
‘We were talking about moving in together because he would start working here. I never minded moving, and I’m following online classes so it doesn’t matter where I live. But something held me off- isn’t that strange?’  
I let my head fall between my hands. My fingers got tangled between the messy dirty blonde curls. I was going to have an awful time combing it, I just knew it. When I looked up from between my palms, I noticed he was giving me a look that wasn’t quite pity or sadness. The scowl and smile had disappeared.  
Compassion, I realized.  
‘You think it was a sign.’ He decided.  
‘Am I crazy?’  
‘No. Sometimes fate just has a way of nudging us in the right direction. Perhaps it was luck that I was the last child to be born, chance I found a girlfriend that was so vocal about autonomy and fate that you found out about the bad sides of your boyfriend before you got into a more permanent arrangement together.’  
‘You’re a nice person.’  
‘Naw, don’t go saying that. I’ll have you know that I have a reputation for being a sarcastic bastard and I intend to keep it that way.’

‘Really though, all of the staff know he’s got his heart in the right place’, a dark skinned woman patted him on the back quite hard. He stumbled forward a bit and shot a menacing look at the young woman now putting on a white shirt over her tank top.  
‘Good evening to you Cressida’, he said with a vicious smile. She blew a kissy face toward him before washing her hands.  
‘The bar’s mine now. Bugger off, boy.’

He rolled his eyes and stepped from behind the bar.  
‘So’, he said, looking at his watch.  
‘You’re going to stay here until you forget all of those problems or-‘  
Was he asking me to?  
‘Whatever you’re thinking- no. I wondered whether you’d keep on drinking until you passed out or whether you might want to go somewhere else out of politeness. You’re hot, don’t get me wrong, but I know when’s the right time and now’s not it. ‘t Would be wrong.’  
‘What time is it? I don’t have watch.’  
Or my phone, I really left without it so I wouldn’t have to find some kind of excuse when Graysen texted me to meet him. I would deal with him as I’d told Feyre, but preferably not today.  
‘It’s two after midnight.’

Damn, I sure hoped Nesta or Feyre hadn’t noticed. Because if they had and they weren’t able to contact me because I hadn’t brought my phone, they’d be freaked out by now.  
‘Oh god, I should really get to our place as soon as possible.’  
‘Allow me to escort you.’  
‘You’ve already wasted so much time on me and my problems today. I can’t ask for even more of your time.’  
‘Well you didn’t ask for it. I offered and you can choose to accept it. Believe me when I say that if I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t have offered.’  
I bit my lip. A walk home on my own could give me some time to reflect upon this conversation, though it probably wouldn’t clear my head as my walks usually did. But I did enjoy talking to Lucien. He was easy to talk to, and I loved the sarcastic ways in which he said some things but could immediately switch to being sweet and understanding.  
‘I’d like that.’

He held open the doors for me until we entered the pure night air. He sighed and undid his ponytail, allowing his hair to be ruffled by the wind. ‘No matter what, I’ll never get tired of that breeze and evening air in summer.’  
‘Or the stars, they’re so much more beautiful than in winter.’  
‘Or the stars’, he agreed. It was calming to walk through the park without the everyday turmoil. You could hear the water from the waterfall in the pool even though we weren’t near it, the chirping crickets, even some frogs who were hiding from view.  
‘About your story, I still can’t believe a girl with your nature didn’t babysit or something of the kind.’  
‘I did’, I admitted. ‘And I helped younger students with history and biology during lunchbreak. Though I didn’t earn any money for helping them. I did earn some money with babysitting but not that much, it wasn’t that much of a contribution. And I used half of it to go on dates with Graysen, I didn’t want to be some charitable case whose boyfriend payed for everything. Though he said he didn’t mind. I felt awful when he payed everything, I like to be given something from time to time but to depend on him for every expense during all our time together just felt wrong.’  
‘I get it. It gives a feeling of independence and equality, nothing wrong with that.’  
‘I’m not like that. I wish I was. But nothing about me is independent. And Nesta and I are only now trying to figure out a way to have an equal distribution of tasks ands chores in our house.’  
‘Life is nothing but a series of works-in-progress. Tell me when you find someone that’s completely happy with who they are and doesn’t think there’s any room for improvement? And if you do find someone who thinks their character is perfect, I can guarantee you they’re jerks.’

I laughed.  
‘Your wit is as sharp as your cheekbones.’  
‘An odd compliment but I’ll take it.’  
I stopped near a flowerbed filled with roses. ‘Graysen always gave me roses,’ I sighed, ‘he claimed they reminded him of me. Sweet, delicate, beautiful, romantic…’  
‘Cliché, boring and able to be bought pre-packaged at any store.’  
Here he was again, refuting something I’d found so romantic. But just as I wanted to tell him not to ruin my memories and allowed me the peace of mind that there had been some good things in my relationship the past couple of years, he disappeared.  
‘Lucien?’  
‘A second.’  
I saw him bending over behind a nearby tree and plucking some flowers. He returned and plucked some from another bed. Really, this was the second time in two days I’d spent my time plucking flowers. If everyone did this I wondered how there could still be so many. Those poor gardeners. Then again, normal people probably didn’t pluck them because they knew it wasn’t right to do so. I just happened to be with some privileged children of the owners all the time. I suppressed a smile, fate did work in mysterious ways.

He finally returned with five dahlia’s, a couple of branches of azalea’s, some gerbera and a couple of irises.  
‘Roses may have been your old flowers and they meant something to you, but these can be your new flowers. You know them?’  
‘I know their names, I’m an avid gardener, but I never payed much attention to their meaning.’  
‘So, irises mean wisdom, hope and valour. All things you need to get through this hard time. You’ve gone through loss before, I’m sure you’ll get through it again and refind hope. Pink orchids symbolize grace, joy and happiness. Grace you obviously have, and I can just tell your face is made for joy. And they matched with your pink top, couldn’t help myself. Then there’s these, The Celts believed that the gerbera would lessen the sorrows and stresses of everyday life. Something you could use. Dahlia’s represent staying graceful under pressure, especially in challenging situations, using inner strength to succeed, making a major life change but in a positive way, staying kind despite being tested by certain life events… And wel, warning someone about a potential betrayal. The last one is unfortunate and not the reason why I give it but I felt like I needed to mention it anyway.’

I was flabbergasted as he offered the bouquet to me. I thought he was just going to trash my memories but here he was, offering me a variety of flowers to choose my new favourite from. All of them gorgeous and with a meaning which fitted my current situation. He was allowing me to process it and see the roses as a flower that symbolized a closed chapter of my life so that I could look at them in a way that was nice but wasn’t devastating anymore. Just as one might fondly look back at the toys they used as children.

‘You’re really making it difficult for me to not see you as a very sweet man.’  
‘You needed it’, he shrugged as he continued on the path.  
After another five minute walk, we arrived at the bungalow. The door opened before I could reach the handle. Nesta’s hair was still I a tight bun, a furious scowl on her face.  
Her gaze slid over me, quickly checking if I was alright before looking at Lucien.  
‘She has a boyfriend.’  
‘Um-‘  
I turned towards him and hoped my look could convey to him that Nesta wasn’t allowed to know we’d broken up.  
‘Yeah, but I was just walking her home. Graysen and my brother were still busy with snooker but Elain got tired of it.’ The scowl was on his face, he cocked an eyebrow, as if daring Nesta to doubt his story.  
Luckily for him he’d told a believable story, I really thought sports were the most dull thing to watch.  
‘And you are?’  
‘Lucien Vanserra, pleased to meet you. You must be Nesta?’ His smile was polite but sharp. Nesta huffed, a sign she believed with what was told but didn’t deem the explanation worthy of an answer.  
‘Thank you for bringing her home, you can leave.’  
‘Good evening, Elain’, he said without acknowledging Nesta again. Nesta ushered me in as he disappeared into the night. It was the most Nesta-like behaviour I’d seen from anyone but Nesta. The same haughty tone, the same indifferent stare, the same way in which they were only as polite as absolutely necessary.

‘Couldn’t bother to take your phone with you, could you?’  
‘I’m sorry. I forgot.’  
‘Just like you forgot about dinner?’  
Right, I’d been away since four this afternoon. How weird, I hadn’t even felt hungry.  
‘I’ve had dinner in private.’  
‘Graysen called you around dinner time.’  
‘I know, we were supposed to meet somewhere. However I was running late, when I looked at the clock and saw the time I just ran for it and forgot my phone. But we found each other eventually.’  
‘Feyre and I were worried sick, dad too by the way. It’s not like you.’  
‘I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forgotten it. But then I was having such a nice conversation and I forgot all about time. I didn’t know it was that late already but I only asked when I was getting tired. When someone told me what time it was, I immediately told Graysen but as Lucien said, he was busy. You know Graysen, he’s a sportsman who hates losing. So I said goodbye and left.’

The lies came easily, and it was only a partial lie after all. Conversation had been good and time had passed without me paying much attention to it. Here I was again, lying because of Graysen. If I hadn’t been as panicked by the idea of spending time with him, I would have never left my phone at home and forgotten about the time.

Nesta sighed and walked back to the door leading to her room. ‘I’m glad you’re fine.’  
‘I’m sorry you had to worry, Nesta.’  
‘Goodnight, Elain.’  
And without even waiting for me to reciprocate, she disappeared into the confinements of her room.

 

 **So, another two characters have been introduced. Lucien’s going to be a regular, as you might’ve guessed. I know this wasn’t the most exciting chapter because of all the background stories but I really wanted Elain and Lucien to bond over meaningful things. And it’s important that we know the motivation of some of these characters and where they’re coming from. Lucien isn’t always going to be this soft, I love how sharp and witty Lucien is in the books and I’m definitely going to let that part of him show through more, this is an AU but it’s not my intention for it to be OOC.**  
  


**Alright, next chapter is going to introduce the last part of our main cast; Cassian, Azriel, Amren. Who’s excited?**


	3. I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair-Nesta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long day of swimming and shaking off the advances of a very hot ice cream vendor with the most delicious man bun, Nesta and her sisters go to club Illyria to shake away the stress of the past couple of days. Unfortunately, destiny has a way of making things happen.

**Nesta POV**

* * *

 

‘We should do something together, the three of us.’ Elain decided over breakfast.  
I supressed a sigh and continued to butter my toast, but I noticed Feyre squirming in her chair. She’d been disappearing for hours on end for three days now. And even when she was home her feet were bouncing on a weird non-existent rhythm.  
‘Elain, I’ve got something planned this evening.’  
‘All of us have something they want to do here all of the time. I get that. But I miss spending time with you all. This is the first chance we have to do something enjoyable together. We should take it. We could do with some sister bonding time. Don’t we? I know we all want to do things during the day but is there any activity after ten?’  
‘No’, Feyre admitted. ‘But if there isn’t anything to do after 10 pm, what are we going to do?’  
‘Who said we had to remain on the property? We could go out. I heard the neighbouring town has a nice nightlife scene?’  
‘I heard so too’, Feyre agreed.  
I didn’t even have to look up to know they were staring at me.

‘I came here planning on doing three things and nothing more. And those are reading, being able to swim 2 kilometres again, and get a tan. Going out is none of those things.’  
‘Wouldn’t you enjoy going out again?’ Elain asked gently.  
I had gone out in New York when I’d just turned sixteen. I could still remember getting tipsy and even drunk one time. I remembered just laughing and singing along with all the pop songs that were in back in the day. I don’t think that after the past couple of years I’d even be able to relax enough to be able to dance. It required letting go, not being self-conscious and living in the moment. I couldn’t do that, I’d just feel awkward. My anxiety was rising but Feyre interpreted as if I was getting angry.  
‘Come on Nesta, why not?’  
They didn’t understand. Overpriced drinks, bodies pressed together, men trying to touch us… Drinks that could make our control slip… It sounded so alluring to just let all the weight slip off my shoulders for once, but if I did I would definitely shatter.  
I stood and a waiter was already there to take my plate.  
‘I’ll be at the pool.’

I managed about a kilometre without touching the ground. I was slightly out of breath and my mouth tasted like chlorine, but eventually it was the amount of people that made me quit. There were just too many to be able to swim without stopping all the time. It was just annoying. Couldn’t people play in a spot where people weren’t actually trying to swim? There were over four pools here for fuck’s sake.  
Most of the pool seats were taken and the yelling and laughing people were too annoying to bear anyways, so I decided to go and dry on the deck of our bungalow.

 

‘Ice cream, young lady?’  
I noticed an ice cream stand from the corner of my eye. The male voice continued talking.  
‘It’s a hot day out, don’t forget to cool down!’  
‘Jurian dude, she just got out of the pool. Of all the reasons you could give for her to buy an ice cream, you picked that one?’  
I turned around.  
They were the bulkiest ice cream vendors I’d ever seen. One tall with the posture of an athlete and one the posture of a bodybuilder. The bodybuilder one had a shiteating grin on his face that just begged to be wiped off. I smiled. They looked absolutely ridiculous in their pink and white uniforms.  
‘Excuse the idiot, ma’am. Allow me to ask more kindly; might there be some way we can be of service?’  
‘And what could you offer that I need?’ I asked, looking them up and down so they’d know exactly how unimpressed I was with their show.  
‘You look like you could use some sweetness. You just suffered from the most terrible scowl’, the biggest one quipped.  
That was the first time someone had actually addressed my resting bitch face directly.  
‘You sound quite desperate to sell your stuff, so it can’t be that good.’  
His grin grew even bigger.  
‘Oh, I can show you how good it is.’  
I rolled my eyes.  
‘You look like a vanilla kind of girl.’  
_I couldn’t believe this guy!_  
‘You have no idea.’ I concluded as I walked away.

 ‘I like her.’  
‘You’re lucky killing is a crime, or she totally would’ve.’  
‘Well I like a challenge.’  
‘Challenge, it would be more like taming a wild beast.’  
‘I heard that!’  
‘Hear it all you want sweetheart, I like you!’

I tried not to think back on them. But the brute kept reappearing in my head. _I like a challenge_ , how silly. Like I was some kind of game to be won.  
He was way too confident and comfortable in his own skin. The innuendo’s and charm probably amused dozens of girls, but I wouldn’t be swept of my feet that easily.  
I wouldn’t. Men with smooth talks like that would be just as smooth in the bedroom. And after they got what they wanted… I couldn’t help my mind slipping back to Thomas. How he just pulled his pants back up and left. Never talked to me again. No, I was no silly fool. But since the brute didn’t disappear from my head, drastic steps had to be taken.

And I felt guilty for saying no to Elain.  
Especially that.

‘Elain?’ I asked as I heard someone in the house who was too quiet to be dad or Feyre.  
‘Yes?’ she asked, appearing on the deck in a bikini and joining me in the jacuzzi.  
‘I’m coming with you tonight.’  
She gave me a hug and gleefully talked about her plans. She knew better than to ask why I decided to go.

 

‘Why can’t I go like this?’  
Feyre, always the one who preferred practical to pretty, now sighed.  
‘We’re going to a club, not a monastery.’  
‘Doesn’t mean they need to see everything.’  
‘Nesta, it’s probably going to be quite hot inside. A long sleeved turtleneck and ripped jeans is going to be too warm I’m afraid.’  
Elain had a point, a good one and Feyre ardently nodded.  
I returned in a sparkly silver cropped t-shirt from when I was younger.  
‘Now good?’ I asked while crossing my arms.  
Elain gave me a bright smile and Feyre just took my hands and pulled my arms down.  
‘What?’  
‘We’re going to have fun. Don’t scowl. You know people can perceive you as somewhat…’  
‘Tempestuous?’ I offered sharply.  
‘More like a heinous witch.’ Feyre mumbled.  
‘Well, I’m not there to make friends.’

There was indeed an entire street full of nightclubs. It was hard to miss as a large string of illuminated letters announced the unofficial nickname of the street: “Funkytown”.  
Strings of lightbulbs flickered over the entire expanse of the street above us.  
‘Where are we going?’ I asked when we passed over ten clubs.  
‘Illyria’, Elain explained as we stopped at quite a large one. It was black, with flower walls where the windows were supposed to be. The name of the club was displayed in the middle of the building in big blueish purple letters. Each side of the name was capped off with a batwing.

There was a line, nothing too big as it was still early. As we were waiting, Feyre was typing furiously on her smartphone. Could she even get in? She was just eighteen.  
After five minutes a woman hopped out of the club. I’d seen the long blonde curls and lean long legs before. She always performed when the deserts were served. Morrigan, I think her name was. It appeared that the stage wasn’t the only place where she wore outfits with that little fabric and that much sparkle.  
‘Feyre’, she greeted as she kissed my sister on the cheek. Since when had these two met?  
She turned to Elain and me.  
‘I’m Mor, I work at the resort.’  
‘I’m Elain.’  
‘Nesta’, I offered curtly.  
‘So, shall we?’ she asked awkwardly as she gestured towards the body guard.  
Feyre broke the awkward silence as Elain and I just stared at Mor.  
‘Let’s.’ Mor lead us straight past the bouncer who didn’t even blink at us. That was one way to solve Feyre being underage.

Some tension I hadn’t been aware of fell off my shoulders when we passed the vestibule and into the club. The music wasn’t too loud and the floor wasn’t too crowdy. There was some smoke but nothing too overpowering. I quietly let out a breath. I would be able to oversee everything. But we weren’t going to stop moving. Mor walked towards the stairs on the other side of the dancefloor and kept turning around to check whether we will still following.  
At the top of the stairs a bouncer with sleek black hair and blue details on his shirt smiled at Mor.  
‘Az, these are our new friends. This is Feyre, the girl I told you about, and these are her sisters Nesta and Elain.’ His eyes lingered on Elain for a second longer than I was comfortable with but quickly removed the iron chain that separated us from the top floor.

‘They’ll be on the guest list?’  
‘Whenever they come in, they’re on the guest list until I say otherwise.’  
Never in my live had I been inside a VIP lounge, but from the few clubbing scenes I had seen in movies I knew this was it.  
It was a spacious room, with modern comfortable looking lounge sets spread over the floor. The bar here was more ornate than the one downstairs, I only hoped the prices wouldn’t be more expensive than those downstairs too.  
‘So, what can I get you? First round’s on me’, Mor said as we sat down. She pushed some buttons on a tablet embedded into the table and a long list of drinks appeared.  
‘Can we pick whatever we want?’ Feyre asked. She looked at me and I shrugged. She would have to decide for herself, but if she got too drunk I wouldn’t be gentle when dragging her drunk ass home.  
‘Whatever, Rhys will probably pay for the tab anyways.’  
‘I thought you didn’t like it when he fixed things for you?’  
‘I don’t… Most times… But when I drop by I’m not going to complain when he pays my drinks. He’s wealthy enough for that. I just don’t want his charity when it’s about my life.’  
‘Who’s Rhys?’ Elain asked.  
‘My cousin’, Mor explained.  
‘He literally owns this club. Can you believe it? He’s barely 25’, Feyre said.  
Elain’s mouth fell open.  
How could anyone be that rich that young? Must run in the family. But then why would Mor be in need of his help?  
It didn’t matter. Their business. After Feyre and Elain had chosen, I just ordered a simple coke. As Mor sent the order, she started talking to Feyre but it was obviously about something they had previously talked about.

   
Elain floated away towards the railing that offered an outlook on the dancefloor below. Chandeliers and discoballs reflected a bright light towards us but up here the smoke barely muted the intense blue and purple colours.  
‘It’s very pretty here’, Elain decided.  
‘How did you hear about this place?’  
She turned towards me and smiled, almost shyly.  
‘Lucien told me he went here from time to time, when he got bored of the resort. Graysen nevers leaves though’, she added quickly.  
‘Is everything… Alright between the two of you?’  
‘Yeah- I mean, it’s fine. It’s just that I get to see a different side to him here and it confuses me.’  
‘You’re still serious about him?’  
‘We’ve been dating for so long, Nesta-‘ She didn’t like the questions. She never did if I tried to talk to her about it. She always thought I was going to bad mouth him. I didn’t like him too much, but she liked him enough and that was enough for me.

  
‘Alright, no need to get defensive. Just checking. It could have been possible that you learned something you didn’t want to accept.’  
‘Doesn’t everyone have sides that are, well, less nice?’  
‘Yes. But some are deal breakers. If a guy is great all the time unless when someone tells him no… Well then that’s a dangerous problem. Since you can’t always say yes. You might love them to death but sometimes how much you love them doesn’t matter. You know how I feel about it, you’ve got to put yourself first. Always.’

‘I hope you’ll someday tell me about it.’ I turned around. We were not going to have this conversation. When I returned to the table, two figures had appeared and again one of them was familiar. What was it with this place? Was there some kind of rule that you had to be from the resort to come here?

‘Well well. What an awful coincidence. What are the odds?’ Bulky icecream vendor laughed with his deep voice.  
‘Yes, it’s like we’re both residing in the same town or something.’  
He pouted. Why did a grown man pout? And why did it have to look so attractive. I felt my annoyance grow because of him and the fact that my head was obviously still being ruled by some stupid hormones.  
‘Or maybe it’s destiny?’  
‘Make sure you don’t sound too desperate.’  
‘I gotta say I liked your earlier outfit better.’ I had to dig my nails into my palms. It didn’t help. My heartbeat was already racing.  
I stepped closer, ignoring all the screaming voices in my head as I slid my finger across his chest, making sure my expression was one of absolute disinterest.  
‘And you may wear whatever you want, it still won’t make the bullshit that comes out of your mouth attractive.’  
At that point I heard the other man erupt in laughter.  
‘You little… I’m going to tell Amren to replace the salt you get with your Tequila shot with pepper.’  
Ah, I had hit a nerve.  
‘Is that how the bouncers treat their customers here? By threatening to ruin their drinks?’  
That’s when the man stopped laughing.  
‘Alright, alright. Now don’t start fighting. Cassian, apologize.’  
He looked over my shoulder to where the other man probably was before slowly looking back at me.  
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, miss.’  
‘Good.’  
I said down and couldn’t help myself from shooting him a smug look. He shook his head with a smile on his face. How I wished I could’ve wiped it off.

‘Nesta, I assume?’  
The man had already installed himself between Morrigan and Feyre, obviously feeling at ease. Feyre was looking at him… Oh god, I’d never seen Feyre look like that. No no. He was seven years her senior, not safe. Why had she decided to wear a pair of hotpants and a top with such a plummeting cleavage. He was taller than her, he wouldn’t have to turn his face too much to see her bra.  
‘Yes. Are you Rhysand?’  
‘Yes.’ The grip on his glas was tight and he was playing with a keychain with his other hand. He was tense. Good. Stay tense. I won’t trust you too soon. Feyre lacks experience with men to be wary of you, but I don’t.  
‘Hello’, Elain said as she went to sit next to me. She looked up towards… Cassian and greeted him with a smile as well.  
‘Hello, I’m Rhysand and this is Cassian, one of my best friends and a bouncer of my club. His shift has just ended.’  
‘Why does he have red detailing on his shirt and the other blue?’  
‘Uhm, it’s for the other employee’s. They both deal with different kinds of trouble’, Rhysand explained.  
‘I’m Elain.’ She extended her hand and Rhysand let go of the chain to shake hers. Cute, Elain.

I desperately ached to ask Feyre how she’d met them, but something held me off. Conversation took off again and after half an hour, Rhysand went away. Cassian stayed quiet and relatively nice until we went to dance. The second I turned away from Elain and Feyre he found me again.

My heart was back in my throat instantly. Something about him made me feel unhinged. I’d gathered he was nothing but a goof who shot oneliners at everyone but he stayed dangerous. Or rather I knew I was in danger if he kept coming to me. He was too good at luring responses from me, his eyes too sharp to my liking, and his looks too attractive for my own good.  
‘Wanna dance?’

‘You never give up, do you?’  
‘Is that a yes?’  
‘No.’  
‘Is that a no?’  
‘No.’ I turned around and took Elain’s hand, twisting her around. I threw a glance over my shoulder. He turned towards another girl, unbothered.

The ginger haired boy made an appearance around two o’clock. He wore a button-up with the name of the resort and his hair was in a braid. Almost as if he hadn’t planned to come. Elain immediately dragged him upstairs. What was that about?  
A hot hand grasped my wrist and pulled me closer. Another hand slipped over my back towards my butt. I was slammed across a sweaty t-shirt.  
‘Hey there, good lookin’.’ The words were slurred. He pushed me away again. Brown hair, tan skin, brown eyes. He forced me to spin. I pulled my hands towards me but he had a good forty lbs on me.  
He pulled me towards him again. His hands now _definitely_ groping my ass.  
  
_Hands lifting the hem of my skirt. ‘Come on babe, you kept me off so long.’ Cold fingers probing through my underwear. ’Thomas, please don’t.’ He violently ripped them off. ‘You thought you could tease me forever?’ Someone slammed their locker shut. Temporarily off-guard I kneed him and ran._

‘Get your hands off of her.’ A broad hand took my shoulder while another was used to push the man away from me.  
‘Relax, we were just- oh.’ Realising it had no use talking to a bouncer the man drooped off. This was the first time I was happy the tall brute looked so menacing with his broad arm muscles and strong brow. His frown quickly disappeared as he turned towards me.  
‘Are you fine?’

_I ran and ran. Too blinded by my tears to know where I was going. After I had left the school it didn’t matter where I was going. Only that I went as fast as I could, before he could catch up on me. He just couldn’t. I wouldn’t get away a second time. I crashed down somewhere near the police station after a dumpster and just broke down. Crying, hyperventilating, screaming into my hands. I was close enough that should he find me, I could immediately scream and be found by passer-by’s . I just couldn’t shake off the feel of his cold fingers tracing…_  
‘Nesta. Nesta! Snap out of it. You’re safe. I swear.’  
He laid another hand on me and that finally made me snap out of it and step back.  
‘Don’t touch me.’  
‘He didn’t try anything funny? I’m going to find him and kick him out, but I gotta know you’re okay first.’  
I was still trembling but I couldn’t stop. I shook my head, I didn’t know to what.  
‘And I might just kill him’, he growled as he went to stand behind me. He briefly put his hand on the top of my back to push me into the direction of the stairs. I took the hint and started walking as he kept everyone at a distance. As we reached the stairs I turned around.  
‘Your sisters and Mor are up there. They were looking for you because they wanted to go back home. You’re going to be okay now.’ He turned around again and disappeared into the crowd.

The paralysing fear had left me but I felt physically drained as I climbed the stairs. Azriel immediately let me through. Feyre and Elain were sitting on a lounge with Lucien and Morrigan, they hadn’t spotted me yet. I took the opportunity to go to the toilet… And stayed there until I had schooled my expression back into a neutral one.  
‘They told me you wanted to go home?’ I asked, keys in hand.  
Elain and Feyre looked up.  
I crossed my arms.  
‘Come on, it’s late enough.’

  
_I couldn’t stay here a second longer._


	4. Hungry Eyes- Feyre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feyre struggles to pay attention to Tamlin as she remembers her dance with Rhysand.   
> After an unpleasant meeting with Eris, it's revealed that Elain's fake relationship with Graysen is a ticking time bomb.

‘Are you even trying?’ Tamlin huffed.   
His blond tresses stuck to the sweat on his face.

‘No, all of this is a complete joke to me!’

 

 

The lack of music made the silence all the more deafening. This was day five. We had been practicing nearly every time Tamlin had more than ten minutes to spare in his working schedule. The progress was good, but not enough.

I could have known it would be hard. I was no natural. I could feel the rhythm, which Tamlin said was my only redeeming quality, since that couldn’t be taught and without it I would’ve been lost. But my feet were too heavy, my moves too slow and my arm work sloppy and soft. If things didn’t start improving soon, we would ruin the performance. I still had two dances to learn after this one, after all.

To his credit, Tamlin did try. His criticism was harsh but correct, wanting to point mistakes out sooner rather than later before they became a habit. His tips were useful. But I was a slow learner where my motoric skills were concerned.

 

He batted his hair away from his face. He was annoyed, rightly so. He was scared. But I wasn’t to blame for not being able to dance like him. He had been in art school, focusing on dancing. And after high school he had entered another dancing school to become an instructor. It didn’t just happen overnight.

‘Have you never done anything artistic before, Feyre?’ He’d managed to calm himself down again. He could be so reasonable and pleasant if only he wouldn’t let his emotions get the hang of him.

‘I paint’, I admitted.  
‘You’re pleased with what you make?’  
‘Not always.’

_Where was he going with this?_

‘How do you make things? When do you consider something good?’  
He was going somewhere with this. I bit my lip. It wasn’t an easy question. My art felt so private to me.

‘I just get inspired by things around me, things I feel… I guess that the works I’m most proud of are the ones I worked the hardest on. When I put a lot of emotion in them. I don’t know how I make them, I just let my hands guide me. And my eyes, sometimes I just look at something and I just know what I’ve got to do to make something extra pretty.’

‘Dancing is not that different. I’m sure that when you paint, there are some technical rules. Like the anatomy if you paint people, the way you can’t mix certain kinds of media like oil paint and water paint. Dancing has steps, the styles require a technique. You can’t turn out to the left if I hold you like that. It just doesn’t make any sense.’ He explained as he twisted me towards him.

I nodded.

He let me go again. ‘Technique is something you will manage, you’ve got most of this dance down now. I know you have some rhythm in you, but right now it isn’t coming out because you’re so focussed on the technical aspect. But this, it’s not the mambo. It’s a feeling like… A heartbeat’, he decided.

He held his hands to his chest. ‘Gu-gum… Gu-gum… Gu-gum.’ He didn’t break eye contact as he vocalized his heartbeat. I stared towards his muscled chest, his t-shirt fit so tightly it was almost see through. He was not unattractive. But whenever I though of how handsome he was, I couldn’t help but let my mind slip towards the broad shoulders of Mor’s cousin. The dangerous smile he gifted so easily. Dancing with him in the club had been so effortless. So easy, like we almost sensed what the other meant. It wasn’t a game of both of us trying to run through our individual moves as good as humanly possible. It was teamwork, and he managed to guide me with the gentlest of nudges and the lightest of touches while still making clear what he wanted me to do.

 

 

Get your head in the game, Archeron. Of course it was easier to dance in the club.

 

 

I focused on his chest and my own. What was my heartbeat? Wasn’t that different for everyone? I pressed my hand against my chest until I started feeling it, and tried to imitate his gesture.  
‘No. Don’t try so hard.’  
He took my hand in his own and pressed it to his chest. He repeated the gesture with my hand and reiterated his heartbeat out loud.   
‘Close your eyes.’

 

His voice became more quiet as he kept repeating the motion. Until he finally moved forward and backward slightly. We needed to start dancing. On the beat of his heart this time. How did he know for sure it would match the music? _Just roll with it, Feyre_. He knows what he’s doing.

The heartbeat turned into numbers.

‘Two three-four. Two three-four. Two three-four. Two three FOUR. Breathe.’ Ah, there was the system. I had a hard time keeping my eyes closed. This part of the dance, I knew the moves of. I was always a second too late normally. Except it didn’t happen.

I took a breath and continued on, slowly looking through my eyes. His counting stopped but I could see him continuing to count in his eyes and the nod of his chin. He _was_ signalling.

We didn’t progress to the next part of the dance for twenty minutes until he finally smiled and went to put the music back on.

I didn’t fuck up that part. Not anymore.

 

 

On the third try with music, the doors flew open and Mor waltzed in.   
‘Hey ’, she said cheerfully as she swung her bag to the side and knocked her flats out. She slipped into her heels as she closed the door.   
She turned and looked at us.

‘How‘s it going so far?’  
‘Mor’, Tamlin sighed.   
Mor’s smile trembled as she took her big sunglasses off, squinting though it wasn’t too bright in here.   
Her eyes kept struggling against the light as she pressed a hand against her temple.   
‘I’m fine Tam. I’m a big girl. I’ll be good tonight. I always am.’

‘So, let’s see the dance from start to finish, shall we?’ she asked as she walked towards the cd player.

I went to stand across Tamlin.   
‘No, not from there. Including the introduction position.’

Tamlin turned me around and went to stand against me. So close. With the big gestures and moves, everything seemed to be about the dancers playing with the space between them. But this felt so intimate. His hands slid across my belly. This was the way lovers held each other.

I laughed. This was just ridiculous.   
‘Feyre, please.’  
I took a breath and nodded. Composure.

Mor smiled and pressed the button.  
Tamlin took my hand and guided it to above his head. As his hand slipped away, I let mine down to trace his chest.

I imagined doing the move in front of a crowd. It looked really sexual, as if I desired him.  
I could imagine what the women would think: “Yeah, I’d touch his chest too if I was in your shoes.”  I felt giddy. They would have no idea that to touch his chest this way, they would have to be prepared to be drilled for three weeks in no pleasant manner.

My arm fell down. ‘I’m sorry’, I laughed.   
The music stopped and Tamlin again put our hands in place. He wasn’t even deeming it worthy of a comment.   
It was even worse on the second try.

 

‘Feyre, put your feelings into it. Latin music is about feeling the moment. What would you do if you felt the passion? If there was no crowd? Would you laugh like this when you finally got to touch your lover? When they guided your hands across their body?’

I’d be breathless. Just like a painting. The feelings I got when I drew a picture of my mother and dad. The feeling I got when Rhysand let his hands trail across my back, even when it was just to dance.

I remembered the nerves, the tension, the excitement. Goose bumps instantly appeared. Chasing down from my shoulders to my fingers, from my thighs to my knees.

The music started again. My fingers slipped from Tamlin’s hand softly. To get to touch someone for the first time… My fingers trailed across his chest, feeling the hardness of trained muscle and the hint of wetness from sweating. To imagine how his chest would feel without that t-shirt on. Excitement.

My breath hitched as Tamlin took my hand again. He swung me away, so I turned outward. I took three steps towards him again, making a circle until I was against his chest again. His eyes connected with mine. I saw the counting going on in them.

Two three-four. Two three-four. Two three-four and don’t forget to breathe. Twist. Press your heel into the ground. Turn your feet. One side. The other. To the side. One feet in front the other, through your knees.

Don’t forget to bop your head. Hold his hand, strong arms. No spaghetti arms. You wanted your space now.

He pushed. _Pull, Feyre, pull._

I smashed into him but he pushed me back with ease, his hand taking mine up above our heads for a spin. I held his grasp. At each twist I had to look into his eyes again, _spotting_. I had to or I would lose my balance and position. I pulled towards him this time. He pressed. Again the heartbeat. Two three-four, two three-four, two three-four.

Wiggle on your legs. This is where the leg work came into play. Stiff leg towards the public, showing them the line. Transferring your weight to the other leg again. Left leg, to the right again, to the left again. Turning with your hips but not letting your feet of the ground.

My hands came up to the sides of my head. Strong arms. Letting my head fall to the side on the beat of the music.

“De todo un poco,” Michael Lloyd sang. The song sounded old, but it had a nice beat.  
  
“De todo un poco.” I bobbed my head again.

My hands slipped to his shoulders again. Time for the turn. Don’t step on Tamlin’s toes. Turning away from each other, making a nice arm gesture, turning towards each other again. Legs needed to be stiff.

Good good good gah- wrong turn.   
Never mind. I needed to focus on swinging with my imaginary skirts while walking away from him. All good again. We were close again, our arms going up, hands intertwined.

‘And now the lift. Just the running part. No jumping’, Tamlin breathed. I nodded as our arms came down again. We danced backwards, I rotated and walked away. I took a breath and looked at Tamlin. Why did we need a lift? I was sure the dance would look just as good without it.

No, this was Tamlin. He would never settle for less. When he did a Latin dance with Mor, she went up at least three times. We all knew it was a sure way to impress the crowd. Unless I jumped, lost balance and tackled Tamlin to the ground.

I threw my arms backward and ran towards him, stopping just in time. We waited the ten seconds it would take to normally perform the lift and took it from there.

Mor stopped the music.   
‘Nice. It’s starting to look good.’

Starting to look good? I barely made any mistakes. I was sure I had executed the moves smoothly. Dancing was so exhausting. When would we reach the point a viewer could look at it and call it effortlessly beautiful?

Thinking back on my art work and how long it took before I was happy enough to show something to someone I sighed. It had taken me three years until I had finally produced something I was honestly satisfied with to show to others. I needed to persist.

Tamlin snapped his jaw shut, wiping the sweat of his face.  
‘This is my dance space’, Tamlin explained as he put my arms into a holding position. ‘And this, is your dance space.’

‘I don’t go into yours’, he said while signalling between me and him annoyedly. ‘And you don’t go into mine. You hold the frame.’  
he shoved my arms, they didn’t budge when he pushed them this time. I had muscles, I would show him. He signalled Mor.

‘Again.’ He was trying to channel his feelings into his moves instead of taking it out on me. It was an improvement, but I still felt a combination of anger and disappointment in my stomach.  
He brought his arms into position and stepped closer until we grasped each other’s arms.

Mor came over and adjusted our arms. I held still, holding my frame. She pulled my shoulders a little backwards. She went to stand behind me and adjusted my wrists and pulled my hips. Such tiny adjustments. Could the crowd really tell?

She pressed her cool hand against my back and took my hip. Her hands so gentle compared to Tamlin’s tugs.   
The song started. Mor didn’t let go and guided my movements. I felt her dance through me. Despite the quick pace, she managed to take her time with the movements and executed them with immaculate precision, even down to the gracious subtle movements of her arms.

No matter how fast the music was, you couldn’t simply run through the moves if you wanted to entertain. I was glad she didn’t have to do any major repositioning throughout this part of the song though.

 

 

Tamlin took a break as Mor and I mirrored each other for the female parts of the dance.

‘So, Feyre, we’re performing in the bar tonight. We’re doing a different version of the mambo. Want to come and watch?’ Mor asked as she put on a fluffy skirt which I assumed was to practice her dance with Tamlin.   
‘Sure.’

‘Enjoy some of your day Feyre darling, you deserve it’, Mor said as a ways of goodbye.

 

 

~.~

 

 

I had two hours left till dinner and took my time to read a bit by the pool. It was a book Elain had bought me for my birthday this year. It had a bigger font size than the average books and the text was nicely spaced. I didn’t know where she got it from. I had to ask her sooner rather than later. I enjoyed reading because of the wonderful worldbuilding and stories but books always gave me a headache. Elain had chosen well. It was exactly my genre.

I was distracted from my reading when a shadow suddenly hovered over my pages. Looking up, I saw Tarquin grinning at me.

 

‘How are you doing?’  
‘Good, enjoying some precious free time in between rehearsing.’

‘You don’t mind too much though, do you? It’s your holiday after all.  I wouldn’t want you to feel like you didn’t have the time to enjoy it in between practicing.’  
‘You forget I want to be able to dance.’

‘I assumed you wanted to learn at your own pace though.’  
‘I did, I’ll take what I can get though. Free classes are free classes, ey?’ I grinned. Tarquin smiled.

‘Are you planning on doing something tonight?  
‘I was going to the bar to see Tamlin and Mor perform. Did you want to invite me for something else?’  
‘No. Actually, Tamlin had asked me to come and see as well. I was going to ask you if he hadn’t already.’

Tarquin backed away smiling. ‘Great, I’ll see you tonight then!’  
He gave me a thumbs up and ran back towards his high chair again.

It was so easy to like Tarquin. We’d barely talked a handful of times but he was just so incredibly friendly and nice. I couldn’t help but love him a little for so readily offering his friendship after years of having had barely any friends at home.

 

 

 

~.~

 

 

Tarquin and I weren’t the only ones attending the performance. As I entered the bar I quickly spotted Elain in a pink tea dress. She was smiling but the nervous way in which her fingers played with her drink told me she was uneasy. The company she was with didn’t look particularly malicious, just very rich.

I wondered what they were talking about.

I still hadn’t forgotten her teary eyed face as she had stormed towards her bedroom a couple days ago.  She’d been with Graysen the whole night.

With a lot of effort I managed to coax everything out of her. Graysen had texted her the previous day, asking to have dinner together. She’d agreed, because she knew she hadn’t spent much time with him while she was supposed to be here to spend time with him.

It had been a family dinner with the Nolanson’s and Vanserra’s. ‘They’re just like Lucien told me. Entitled and mean. They look down on everyone so incredibly much Feyre. When one of them asked me what I studied and I answered biology, some simply laughed! I felt awful.’

Graysen had asked her to sleep together afterwards. When she was trying to get out of it, he’d reminded her of how many times she had explicitly stated the desire to be able to sleep together before. Elain realized that she couldn’t avoid sleeping with him the entire holiday so she’d slept with him.

 When he went to brush his teeth, he left his phone on the nightstand. Message after message of different girls kept popping up. She innocently informed him he’d gotten messages and asked him who was still trying to contact him at that hour. He’d told her it was his family, informing him of meetings and tasks tomorrow. Elain, who was never good at lying or hiding things, had still managed to keep in her pain at being lied to. They’d slept then, but as soon as she’d left the building the next day she’d started crying.

She knew he’d cheated, she knew he’d raped someone, but it had still hurt her when he lied into her face. That’s why she had wanted to go out so much. She’d pulled herself back together again by the time Nesta had woken up for breakfast.

Maybe she didn’t need a reason to feel particularly miserable tonight. Just Graysen’s company could suffice to make her sick. God knew I’d feel sick to the bone if I had to spend time with someone who had betrayed my trust in every way imaginable.

 

 

‘You want something from the bar? It’s on me. To make up for pushing you into the water that first day. ’ Tarquin asked.  
‘Just a cola. Thank you’, I answered.

 

Tarquin disappeared. I looked towards the stage again. Mor and Tarquin were walking on the stage as the lights were dimmed.

Mor looked simply stunning in that glittery blue dress. Her smile was radiant as she pushed her body against Tamlin’s. I recognised the starting position. Tamlin and I were going to start out the same way.

I could look like Mor, I realised as a blue spot was aimed at them. Our hair colour was similar enough and we had the same tall, toned physique. Perhaps the Cortez management couldn’t even tell the difference.

The music started and Tamlin immediately pulled on Mor’s hand so that she turned away from his body.

The moves rapidly followed each other on the key tones of the music. The people on the floor before the stage started dancing as well.

I looked around in alarm.

_Please Tarquin, come back before someone wants to make me dance._

I turned to look at Mor and Tamlin again.

 

Too late.

 

A red haired man smiled and held up his hand.

‘Couldn’t let you stand all by yourself, now could I?’

The copper hair and sharp features reminded me of that Lucien boy Elain had talked with at the club, but this man was probably around thirty.

‘No, I guess not’, I smiled as I took his hand.

 

Might as well use this as an opportunity to practice my moves.

 

‘You know… You remind me of someone’, he confessed.’

‘So do you’, I admitted before being spun around.

‘I’m Eris Vanserra.’

Fuck.

 

Of all seven Vanserra’s, I had to bump into the oldest one who so happened to have harassed Mor for years.

‘Feyre Archeron.’

‘Oh, Elain’s sister?’

‘Yes.’

He remained quiet for a while, moving me around the room. He was a good dancer, smooth and precise. But I couldn’t help but feel uneasy in his arms.

‘You two look alike. Your eyes are different though.’

‘Yeah, I inherited my mom-‘

He didn’t let me finish.

‘To be honest, I think you’re prettier. But don’t tell your sister I told you that.’

 _Ass_.

I remained silent and looked at the couple performing on stage. I was still proud of my progress this afternoon, but I still wasn’t their level. They looked like they were actually enjoying themselves on stage while I simply suffered through the whole dance.

 

 

‘The dance people’, he huffed. Not that I needed the explaining. ‘They’re here to keep the guests happy’, he said scornfully. ‘They shouldn’t be showing off that much. That’s not going to sell.’

I looked around. Almost everyone was looking at them, or at least throwing occasional glances.

‘I don’t know, everyone looks pretty interested to me.’

He looked at me. Even his smile had something condescending.

‘They need to sell their dance classes. You see any of the middle aged ladies here doing that?’ he asked as Mor threw her leg over Tamlin’s shoulder.

I grinned and shook my head. I couldn’t even see myself doing that. And I had to perform a mambo  with him as well.

A grumpy old man with thinning red hair grabbed my attention as he pushed through the crowd.

Tamlin threw Mor in the air. I froze. Was that the lift I was going to do? I envisioned myself plummeting to the floor instead of being caught by Tamlin.

The man was now obviously moving towards the stage. I could only see half of his gestures from where I was at.  But Tamlin and Mor definitely got his intention.

They jumped down and both took a partner from between the crowd. The spots started travelling across the dance floor. Their performance had ended.

 

 

‘Feyre! Thank god I found you again. Here’s your drink.’

Tarquin froze as Eris turned around.

‘Buying drinks for customers? I do hope you know the rules, pool boy.’

‘Yes sir. I merely offered her a drink because I pushed her into the water when I saved someone.’

Eris looked back at me.

‘He didn’t push you too hard I hope?’

‘No. No harm done. Besides, he immediately apologized and now made up for it. He was most polite, excellent service.’

Eris nodded slowly, a smile reappearing on his face.   
‘Good’, he decided.

‘Apologize me, if you please. I’m needed elsewhere.’ I gave him an awkward nod after which he slithered away.

 

 

‘He really is awful’, I admitted as soon as he was far away enough.

‘He sure is. I hope he never inherits the family business.’

‘Thank you for saving me.’

‘You better thank me. I believe I almost lost my job for interrupting your conversation.’

‘I’m sorry, Tarquin. But he asked me to dance and I didn’t know who he was. By the time I discovered his name, there was no way to get away.’

We meandered through the crowd. Tarquin was just looking at the dancing people, but I was looking for my sister.

Hers was another conversation that was preferably interrupted before Graysen insisted on sleeping together again.

I spotted the group of people at the bar. But something was up.

 

 

‘Why are you talking to my girlfriend!’ Graysen slurred as he pushed against Lucien’s chest. The ginger looked annoyed.

‘Well you aren’t talking to her. It’s only polite to provide a woman some conversation.’

‘I’m be keeping my eyes on you, you little nothing. You wanna know why I call him that Elain? It’s cuz he is nuthin’. The least competitive Vanserra, mommy’s little boy. He’s a disgrace in his father’s eyes. Never showed any spine or entrepreneurship. It’s almost as if he doesn’t care about the business our dads built!’

Damn, he was really drunk.

 

‘Graysen. That’s incredibly mean! We were just talking. Why on earth are you saying these kinds of things? I was a bit bored and Lucien made sure I didn’t feel left out as you were discussing the stock market with your friends. I’m sure he didn’t have any ulterior motives.’

‘Besides, you’re still younger than me’, Lucien huffed.

 

Apparently, all the Vanserra’s have ice in their veins.

 

 

‘Elain! What are you doing here! I didn’t know you were here as well!’ I cried out as I ran towards her. Elain looked up in confusion but immediately picked up my intention.

‘Feyre! Did you see the performance as well? It was magnificent, wasn’t it?’

‘It totally was. But, I just got a text from dad. He wants us to come home.’

‘Oh no’, she sighed.

 

Elain looked at Graysen, a disappointed pout on her lips.

‘My love, I’ve got to go home. I’ll see you tomorrow alright?’

He threw his arms around her and placed a sloppy kiss on her lips.

‘Sweet dreams, my love. I love you.’

‘Love you too’, she said as she gave him a quick peck.

 

‘Lucien?’ The redhead smiled and nodded.

‘Tamlin is looking for you.’

I knew they were friends. Maybe Graysen did as well.

‘Oh, is he? Ah, yes. I had promised to buy him a drink after his performance. Do you have any idea where he is?’

‘No, I’m sorry.’

‘No matter, I’ll find him.’

We walked away together, Lucien whispering a quick “thanks” as he slipped past us into the crowd.

‘You’re leaving?’ Tarquin asked.

‘It’s for the best’, I sighed.

He nodded. ‘No problem. I’ll go look for Tamlin as well.’

‘Thanks Feyre. I don’t know how I’m going to keep up this charade for the rest of summer.’

 

 

 

 

Neither do I, Elain. Neither do I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's curious. The dance Mor and Tamlin are doing is this one from the movie Dirty Dancing   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSaC8X7oNiA


	5. Flowers and blood drops - Elain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Nesta struggles with Cassian's attempts at seducing her, Feyre's nervous about dancing with Mor's irresistible cousin. Meanwhile, Elain has a bloody awful afternoon which causes some astounding revelations about Lucien's parentage.

 

Nesta was cutting her fruit into minuscule pieces, letting them tumble upon her plate.  
‘So tell me Nesta, what’s happened? I finally asked.

She looked up, her blue eyes piercing mine.  
‘Nothing of importance. Just a stupid boy… He’s so broke he needs two jobs yet he thinks he can woo me.’

 

Feyre’s eyes grew cold across the table. I felt her quiet rage. We could’ve done with someone working two jobs. Or even just Nesta and me each working one job. It would’ve helped our past financial struggle. But I looked past that. I understood what she thought. We had no money to offer ourselves. What future lay ahead for two poor people? It was easier to at least have some measure of capital to start a life together. It’s harder without money. It would take years of work to buy a place, and renting takes such a huge part of your income away.

‘If you’re so annoyed with that stupid boy then why did you take his little notes with you to the breakfast room?’ Feyre asked in a sweet voice.

Nesta threw the pieces of fruit into her yoghurt. ‘I didn’t look at them yet. It was too early to deal with that kind of stuff.’

‘With “that kind of stuff”do you mean? Romance?’ I asked.

Nesta rolled her eyes. ‘Sure, call it what you like. Here, have a look. You may even read them to me now that I’ve had my coffee. Then I don’t even have to look at them. His writing looks sloppy.’

It was written in big bold handwriting. Nothing too bad, but Nesta took great pride in her handwriting: “it shows refinement and willingness to make an effort”, she used to say.

There were three notes in total, he’d numbered them and had drawn hearts around the digits.

 

“1.  
Three notes about what you mean to me  
Three notes about you and me  
Perhaps sitting in a tree  
K-I-S-S-I-N-G  
  
These are written in rhyme  
I heard that gets chicks all the time  
Not that you’re a generic one  
That’s why you’re my kind of fun.”

I read it in silence first, and then read it aloud. I couldn’t keep in my giggles, neither could Feyre.  
Nesta nodded, putting that one away again. Nesta cringed at the mention of seducing many girls.  
  


“2.  
I wish we could meet  
In a setting where you want to speak  
To me,  
about whatever your interests may be  
On the beach, in the club, it’s all the same to me  
You’re so quiet, yet you use words so articulately  
I believe my words of rhyme may seem dull to you ….y (?)  
Talk to me about literature if you please  
I’m not so uncultured, you’ll see  
Your words wound me  
  
Yet I find myself drawn  
Perhaps it’s a masochistic tendency which makes me fawn  
over icy eyes and a viper’s tongue with venomous accuracy  
It makes me want to jump over the walls of your hortus conclusus  
And see whatever maiden resides  
Where the thorny bushes have been laid to rest  
Or leave them up, those mighty bushes  
I don’t mind some scratches as long as I get close  
To such a wild rose.”  
   
‘Well, obviously, he struggles even with the easiest aa-bb rhyme’, she huffed as she took another spoonful of yoghurt.  
‘Yet, he makes some references to classic medieval literature about courtly love, doesn’t he?’  
‘He does. He could’ve researched that’, she responded.

Before she became preoccupied with economics, Nesta had wanted to be a writer. She loved literature. She had heaps of penguin classics, not only the easily readable 19th century classics, but also the French and Russian enlightened literature and medieval tales, they seemed so tedious a read to me. But she’d abandoned that passion and limited herself to easily digestible light-hearted novels. Nothing she couldn’t put down quickly, because Nesta only allowed herself limited enjoyment and she always took a lot of time to devour and analyse more challenging reads.

‘And the last one?’ she asked, feigning indifference.

 

“3.  
Number three  
By now I know even simple rhyme isn’t easy.  
Nesta, just meet me.  
I’ll make you like what you’ll see.  
At the pier at 6 in the eve.  
You know, by the sea.”

Nesta had choked on her drink about halfway through.  
‘Well? Will you? You’ve got to admit, the boy is trying’, Feyre smiled.  
Nesta rolled her eyes and put the last one away.

‘He’s wasting his time.’

 

 

\---

 

 

‘How are my favourite guests doing?’  
Mr. Nolanson stopped by our table and gave us all a charming smile. He seemed every inch the reliable manager. I wondered if there was a bad side to mr. Nolanson as well. All the Vanserra’s were rotten, was that two-facedness a Nolanson trait as well?

‘Everything is just perfect, mr. Nolanson’, I answered quickly.

‘Really, we couldn’t ask for anything better’, Nesta exclaimed with gratitude in her voice.

‘I’m glad. Girls, I feel as if I have to warn you though, there is a thief on these grounds. Of course, this is something we wish to keep secret, but I feel the need to tell you. We are doing everything we can to catch the criminal but for now just hide your expensive stuff, alright?’

‘Oh no, that’s horrible! Are things being stolen at the pool or a public space?’

‘No, it’s in the chambers and houses of the guests. We have to assume it’s someone of the staff. Between you girls and me, I think it’s someone of the cleaning staff or one of the dancers.’

‘Good luck finding them, mr. Nolanson.’

‘One of the dancers? Why would you think that?’ Feyre asked.

‘Everyone knows the entertainer sometimes entertain people in a different way than stated in their contract. Though our policy technically doesn’t allow it. If they’re so desperate as to sleep around with the guests, why not steal from them?’

 

_“Some of us do it for the money and don’t mind. Even though they know they can get fired when the owners find out. Others do it because they don’t dare to turn the customers down. It wouldn’t be the first time one of the guests told lies because they got rejected. It usually ends with the personnel getting fired. No matter what they say.”_

They didn’t always choose it. Lucien had the luxury to say no but most didn’t. The staff must live in perpetual fear. The sons of the owners were chasing after them or threatening them and the visitors forced sexual relations on them as well. They really needed a better policy that protected their staff.

Yet neither Feyre or I said anything. Without any proof, we couldn’t just claim that the workers didn’t choose to have sex with the guests. Besides, many did have sex with them, and the opportunity was there. We couldn’t deny the possibility. We nodded in silence and left after we were done eating.

 

‘When does our bungalow get cleaned?’  
‘Tomorrow in the afternoon. It’s once every three days’, Nesta answered.

‘Oh, I haven’t noticed them before’, Feyre said.  
‘How can you, you’re rarely around. I would like for one of us to be there, or father. You never know with that thief lurking about’, Nesta decided.

 

When our dad heard about the thefts, he immediately offered to stay at our bungalow so we could still enjoy ourselves.

Nesta left to swim and Feyre lingered around the house.

 

 

 ---

 

 

‘No dance class today?’ I asked.  
‘In half an hour actually’, she said while rummaging through her suitcase.

‘Are you practicing something difficult today? You seem nervous.’

‘I thought it would just be me and Mor today since Tamlin is doing an extra private class. But she just texted me that her cousin is coming to help.’  
‘The club owner? Rice?’  
‘Rhysand’, Feyre muttered as she fished an off-shoulder crop top out of her trunk with a pair of black shorts.

 

‘And you’re nervous because… He’s hot? Isn’t that blond instructor hot as well?’

‘He is. Hot wouldn’t even start to describe Tamlin and Rhysand, but Rhysand is just… I don’t know… Is this too much?’ Feyre asked while looking at her outfit.

‘What does Mor wear when during your classes?’

‘Everything. She’s worn shorts, leggings and big skirts.’

‘If she’s worn all of those things, he probably won’t think anything of it.’

Feyre looked relieved, but disappointment quickly followed it.

‘So, you’re nervous to dance with Rhysand?’

Feyre shot me a deadly look.

‘I know. It’s silly, I’ve only seen him two times. But he’s just so- I can’t voice it. It’s his whole aura. The first time I saw him was when he danced with Mor the night I found out about Graysen. He just radiated sex appeal and power, but then when Mor confessed everything he was so caring and gentle. In the club he was so charming and courteous. I bet he can and probably will seduce every girl he meets. I’m just little young Feyre, he’s not even that much older but he’s realised so much. At the club there were all these girls who came over to greet him and they were all so stunning. They were socialites and models no doubt, how can I compete?’

She sighed and started changing into her newly assembled outfit.

‘Love isn’t a competition, Feyre. But it doesn’t matter how pretty you are or how hard you try because falling in love isn’t a conscious decision. You fell for Rhysand while your rational thoughts told you he was a an out-of-your-reach womanizer from another state, yet it happened. Graysen fell for me despite there being many pretty willing rich girls at school while I was so shy.’

‘You’re right. It’s silly. Why should I even try to impress him. In a couple of weeks we’ll be back home with almost a day’s ride between us.’

‘Right.’

‘And since Graysen is staying here, you don’t have to see him again. Bet you can’t wait to leave. Especially after last night, god he’s an awful drunk. He was so horrible to Lucien.’

‘Yes, very eager.’

Feyre turned away from the mirror in her room. The limited black fabric of her clothes concealed nothing of her toned physique.  
I didn’t understand why she was so self-conscious. She had the figure of a model, pronounced cheekbones, freckles and full lips, those traits were so desirable now.

‘May I be bold?’

‘We don’t spare each other in this family, Feyre.’

‘I know I’m absent most of the day, Nesta’s right about that. But I have noticed you’re spending much time with Lucien. Is there any reason for Graysen to think that Lucien…’,  Feyre trailed off.

‘I’m not saying you’re not allowed to have some fun! Graysen is awful and you’re only pretending to be in a relationship with him. Besides, he’s a cheat. I wouldn’t blame you if you spent time with someone else.’

‘It’s alright, Feyre. Lucien and I do spend a lot of time together. I’ve seen him every day for the past week and a half. He tries to be there for me. And when Graysen only talked about things I knew nothing of, he entertained me. There’s no romance to it though. Just two people who get along really well.’

 

 

Feyre hummed as she brushed her hair together to make a ponytail. I bit my cheek. She felt so awkward, it was obvious. She’d never been in love before, at least I thought so. It meant so much that Feyre opened up to me. She and Nesta weren’t good at talking about their feelings. I shouldn’t let the conversation end.

‘He’s handsome though, very much so, more than Graysen even.’  
‘You always said that Graysen looked like the ideal fairy-tale prince.’

‘I did, but Lucien is even more than that. He’s not the ordinary handsome though, I know that. His hair is too long, his features too sharp but he has something ethereal. He wouldn’t look bad as an elf in Lord of the Rings’, I laughed.

Feyre smiled. ‘So?’ she inquired.

‘I just think that it’s not ideal. I just got out of a long relationship. Well, I’m technically still sleeping and kissing an other guy. Who would agree with being the guy on the side? Maybe I should stay single. Isn’t that what they say? That you’ll always end up hurting the guy you get it on with if it’s too soon after your previous relationship ended because you’re emotionally unavailable or not ready for another relationship? There could be a good psychological reason why I feel the things that I do for him.’

‘Advice of any kind is always just that: general advice that applies to some but not to all. I’m sure that people say that because most people miss having someone to confide in and  miss having sexual relationships. So I guess it all depends on what you feel for him and what you want from him.’

I blinked. ‘That’s very insightful. I’m afraid I can’t answer that yet. I haven’t really thought on it. Okay, I have thought on it, on Lucien and me, but I haven’t asked myself those questions yet.’

‘Neither have I’, Feyre admitted.

‘I have only thought about all the reasons why I shouldn’t, whenever I felt those silly feelings.’

Feyre laughed and nodded. ‘So have I.’

She looked at her reflection in the mirror again.

‘You want to borrow my berry lipstick?’

She turned around and smiled nervously. ‘Please.’

 

 

\---

 

 

There was a knocking on our door not long after Feyre left. Dad had just left for some tennis, so it was up to me to open it.

‘Lucien?’

‘Hey, I wanted to ask you a question.’

‘You walked all the way from the main building for that? Why didn’t you just text me?’

‘Because you haven’t given me your number.’

‘Oh. I should really give it then, it’s highly unpractical’, I said as I dug my phone out of the pocket of my skirt.

‘It might come in handy, indeed’, he laughed as he took his phone as well. The black ripped jeans and t-shirt were something quite different from his usual shirt and dress pants he wore when working. His tall stature was even more pronounced now, and for some reason the dark vibes he radiated made my heart flutter.

 

‘So, what did you want to ask me?’, I asked as I showed him my number.

‘I wondered if you’d like to join me for the Flower Show today. My mother and I have been invited by the mayor and we are allowed to bring plus ones. Tamlin was going with me, but he cancelled for a dancing class. He’s into plants like you wouldn’t believe. His mother used to be a garden architect so he really enjoys going to Flower Shows. But yeah, he ditched me and as you studied biology I wondered if you would like to go instead?’

‘And you thought of me as a replacement? Lucien, how kind of you. I’d love to. At what time is it?’

‘At two. I know, it’s short notice.’

‘No problem. I didn’t have any plans. Well, I do have dinner with Graysen at six but we’ll be back before then, right?’

‘Yes absolutely. We’ll probably be back at five.’

 

 ---

 

We walked towards the main building, where Lucien’s mother would be waiting for us.

‘What are they doing here?’ Lucien mumbled as his gaze travelled towards two figures exiting a cabin. They were pale figures, with black hair.

‘Who are they?’  
‘Brannagh and Dagdan, children of one of the stake-holders.’ They moved throughout the woodland and knocked on another cabin, in which they were let in quickly.  
‘Odd.’  
‘I knew they slept with the guests but this seems odd indeed.’

It wasn’t the only odd thing we encountered during our fifteen minute walk though. When the building loomed in front of us, we were lucky enough to catch Nesta leaving the swimming pool.

Her eyes were focussed on the ground, but suddenly music started blasting as she froze.  
A bulky figure in pink approached her. She looked up at him, not even seeing me though I was only a few feet removed.

I suddenly recognized the melody. “Take a chance on me” by ABBA.  
Not wanting to see a brave man dying, I quickly continued my path. I’d ask her about it tonight.

No, confronting Nesta was never a good idea. I’d wait until she started talking.  
Lucien’s mother greeted us kindly. It was incredible how much Lucien resembled her. I’d only seen her one time before, at the end of the dinner table. Lucien was almost a perfect male version of his mother: the chin, the cheekline, the high arched brow... He was the only Vanserra child that had her red hair. Only the eyes didn’t match.  
We got into the car. We were going to be back by five so I didn’t bother to ask Graysen if it was okay that I went. I kept up our conversation on snapchat though. I was still his girlfriend after all.

We weren’t back by five.  
And Graysen got both suspicious and frustrated. I sweettalked him enough though. I told him how Feyre had convinced me to stick around and talk to her in the hot tub. I blabbered on and on about how happy I was she finally opened up to me about some issues she had been having, boy issues, I said. Graysen didn’t want to know so at least I didn’t have to make up any more lies.

I kissed him and kissed him, letting my head lean against his shoulder as I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the words I heard him speak with other rich boys and the Vanserra’s. And as he lay me down on his bed, I tried to ignore the beeping of his phone and the vivid memories of a bleeding Helion, and the blood on my dress.

 

 

 ---

 

 

‘Oh my god, this looks lovely!’ I shouted as I set my eyes upon the lovely flower constructions and decorated bridges across brightly coloured flower carpets.

Mrs. Vanserra laughed ‘Yes, it is quite beautiful.’  
A tall black man, who had been talking with some other people, spotted us and approached us after saying a few quick lines to his company.  
‘Dahlia and Lucien- and friend of Lucien. Welcome.’ His tone was low and pleasant, and his smile contagious.

‘I’m glad you could come.’  
‘We’re only too glad to be invited, Helion.’  
‘Anytime.’

He turned his attentions towards me. ‘And you are?’  
‘Elain, Lucien was so kind as to invite me.’  
‘A girlfriend?’ he asked, turning towards Lucien.  
‘No, she’s a friend who happens to be studying biology. I thought I should use the invite to bring along someone who was interested in plants.’

‘You study biology? Which year?’  
‘Uhm, I’ll be starting my final one after the holidays.’  
‘You know, our nature is due for some research. Cataloguing the present biodiversity is a thing we still have to do and, despite not having done it, I attach quite a big importance to it. It’s important to have an overview of everything we have, so that if our biodiversity slinks, we can be aware of it and act upon it.’

‘Yes, there’s been an increasing importance of making inventories of all plants and animals present in biotopes. Many cities are doing it nowadays, which is great because that way we can get an overview of how our country is doing at large.’

‘Would you be up to it? If you want, that is.’  
‘Oh I-I am honoured but I am sure someone with way more experience is able to do it.’  
He just smiled. It was a kind, reaffirming smile.  
‘The knowledge is still fresh in your head. I’m aware of how difficult it is to get a job without experience, so I like to give young talent opportunities.’  
‘You’re too kind.’  
‘Let me know what you decide.’

I decided not to mention that I lived states away from this place. The topic was closed and Helion started the tour. Rivers flowed through the immense square that had been locked off for the occasion. This installation must have taken weeks to build. Artificial rivers flowed past small hills of flowers in all colours of the rainbow. Portraits of famous people made from flowers, and sculptures of Disney characters greeted you at every twist and turn. And thanks to the incredible height of the artificial landscape, you had an intimate feeling of being alone between the flowerbeds. You rarely got a glimpse of all the people that were walking on the path in front or behind of you.  
I truly had a wonderful time.

Lucien turned out to know a thing or two about plants as well, and showed a great interest in some of them.  
I was just telling him the name of a certain succulent when I suddenly heard a yelp and a scream.

Lucien and I turned around. A plant structure that had been attached to two trees had snapped. They had built a flower structure around an iron bar, which had soared through the sky and had gone straight into Helion’s side.

Lucien’s mom was crying and shouting, muttering all kinds of things to Helion. An ever expanding red splotch blossomed on Helion’s crisp white shirt. He was bleeding way too much.

‘Call an ambulance!’ I commanded as I fell down beside the two of them. I immediately unbuttoned his shirt to assess the damage. I couldn’t remove the iron bar as I didn’t know it the blood flow would grow if I did. But I could remove the plants from around the iron bar and lay him down in a way that didn’t make the iron bar pull at the wound.  
  
I fished my hand sanitizer out of my purse and poured it around the wound. Next I put my handkerchiefs around it. Trying to stop the flow of blood. Looking up, I saw a staff member looking at the situation.  
  
‘We’re going to need something that can cut through iron. Please, go look for it. You must have it.’  
They did, and a joiner who had been working on welding together a new structure, now severed most of the iron bar. The middle part of the wound was now accessible and visible. I could finally see how deep the bar went. Not too deep, luckily, but if I guessed by the amount of blood he lost, the bar had hit some arteries. I quickly stuffed the inside with my remaining handkerchiefs.

The ambulance arrived not much later.  
‘Does anyone know his bloodtype?’ The medic asked.  
‘O negative’, Mrs. Vanserra replied.  Why would someone know someone else’s bloodtype? That seemed like a random fact to know. But before I could think on it, I realised what that meant. There could possibly not be enough blood for him. Most hospitals barely have any O negative, because it is so overused and so few people have it.

‘I don’t think we have it in stock, at least not in the ambulance. We used it for two other cases earlier this morning.’ The other medic answered as they loaded him into the ambulance. As I expected, most people didn’t carry their blood group card on them, so they always used the O-, without testing for their actual blood types, since it was compatible with anyone.  
‘Maybe a couple of bags, but he’s lost much of it.’

Was the man I had only met a couple of hours ago going to die before my very own eyes?  
The medic said some things into his walkie-talkie. ‘As I feared, we barely have any of it and we can only get some in a couple of hours. He needs at least 1.5 liter.’

‘Does anyone happen to have the bloodtype O negative and would be willing to donate?’  
I was A. I couldn’t.  
Mrs Vanserra shook her head, but then, she looked up.

‘Lucien, you have O negative.’  
‘I thought I was A negative, all my brothers are A negative. You, are A negative.’  
‘You’re not.’

He looked up at the medics.  
‘I could do it.’  
‘Have you had any unprotected sex or-‘  
‘I haven’t done anything exciting the last couple of months.’  
‘Well, everyone into the ambulance then.’

 

 ---

 

It was weird. Sitting there in the hospital for a man I barely knew. Mrs. Vanserra kept walking up and down in the waiting room. She’d been pacing ever since we got here.  
‘Mother, why isn’t my blood type the same as that of my brothers?’  
‘Oh, who knows. Genetics are weird, sometimes children come out exactly like their parents and sometimes they don’t. ‘

‘Maybe you have your dad’s blood type?’ I offered.  
‘My dad’s B positive. I’m certain of that. He has it tattooed on his skin from his time in the army.’

How did a child with A and B parents, end up with O? It was possible, but it was unlikely. Unless…

His mother seemed incredibly concerned with Helion. More than most people are concerned by a friend getting injured. And they did seem awfully close earlier this afternoon. If I didn’t know she was married I might have even thought that…

Suddenly, the most awful thought popped up into my head.

Lucien had told me it wasn’t the first time she and Helion had spent time together. He’d oftentimes accompanied her and Helion, and whenever Mrs. Vanserra told the rest of the family about their trips, she’d always told the stories as if it was just her and Lucien. There was never a mention of Helion.

Lucien had told me Beron was controlling and aggressive. Mrs. Vanserra and him had butted heads about the education of their children a lot. Beron had never much cared about Lucien’s education. Lucien had even exclaimed that they only had that many children because the marriage bed was the only place she received anything close to love from Beron.

Lucien looked nothing like his father, while all of his brothers did share the broad jawline, broad nose and bushy eyebrows. His skin was a kind of tan none of his other relatives had. They remained pale and got freckles, never did their skin turn the dark caramel Lucien’s did.

Mrs. Vanserra knew Helion’s blood type, a most random thing to remember. Unless there was a reason for her to remember it. And the most likely reasons for someone to remember a blood type were because the person had needed a transfusion before or… If they got a child together.

Was it a coincidence Lucien was O negative?

I looked at Lucien, who was absentmindedly stroking the bandages around his elbow.

Had Mrs. Vanserra cheated on her husband?

 

 

They had tested Lucien’s blood when we arrived in the hospital, while the bar was being removed from Helion’s body. By the time they’d stitched him up, results had come in that he was a near perfect match.

Lucien let out a deep sigh and looked at the folded paper in his hands. The results of the blood test. They’d told him he had a small iron deficiency and should take it to his doctor so he could prescribe Lucien some iron supplements.

 

 

 

 

‘Isn’t it weird? Helion really lucked out’, he said, staring at the paper. His lips were pulled tight, like he was biting back a comment.

‘It’s quite the coincidence’, I agreed quietly. I was suspicious, definitely. But I couldn’t just accuse his mom of cheating.

She simply shook her shoulders. ‘Well it is a lucky coincidence! Just imagine what would have happened if there hadn’t been a right donor near. We would have lost both our major and our friend.’

‘Come to think of it, why do you know the blood type of our major. We like him, for sure, but it seems a bit random to know such things of an acquaintance.’

Lucien’s eyes were sharp now. He was looking at his mother in the same manner he looked upon the Vanserra’s and Nolansons at family dinners; guarded and suspicious.

‘Oh well, it’s just…’

Her voice died down. She looked down, biting her cheek, before nervously looking from Lucien to me, and back to Lucien again.

‘Lucien…’  
‘Mother?’  
‘I just… Oh dear, I’m so sorry. You weren’t meant to find out. Definitely not like this. If I knew this whole ordeal would lead to you figuring it out, I would have never said the two of you had matching blood types.’

‘You would have let Helion die? Just after you spent the whole afternoon talking to him? Just after you proclaimed how happy you were that he was able to live through this? I don’t believe so. Nor would I want Helion to be dead, just so you could keep this secret.’

 

‘Lucien-‘  
‘Tell me mother. Do not lie to me. I’ve protected you and your meetings with him all these years. I’ve done my best to hide some of the cruel things my brothers did to me so your heart wouldn’t be broken. But if you lie to me now, all of that will be over.’

If their conversation didn’t imply what I think it did, I would have smiled at how he shifted from kindness to the icy cruel behaviour the Vanserra’s were known for.  
But apparently, that was more due to nurture than nature.

‘Your father… Is Helion Day. We- he… You need to understand Lucien, your father is a cruel man and when Helion was kind to me, all those years ago, I just slipped. It was a onetime thing. But Beron was suspicious, so suspicious. He didn’t have any proof yet he made my life a living hell, it’s a wonder I didn’t miscarry. And then I found out I was pregnant with you. I couldn’t run away, Beron would make sure harm came my way. I didn’t want to endanger you. Helion was such a flirt, he’s a sweet man, but I couldn’t expect him to take me and you in and protect us from Beron. You know how far your father’s power goes.’

‘He’s not my father.’  
‘Well, no. He isn’t.’

‘I would want to curse you. For lying to me for over two decades… I could have lost my real father today without knowing it. Does he know?’  
Mrs. Vanserra shook her head. So Helion didn’t know either. Yet Lucien and Helion had been a constant presence in each other’s lives.

 

 

 

 

He looked at the clock. It was past five.

‘I need time. Come Elain, we need to go back. Before your “boyfriend” gets angry.’  
I knew better than to talk during the way back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, 
> 
> My sincerest apologies for not posting. The start of the new year is always quite rough for me as I'm in 6 councils and boards, many of which are with the dean of our faculty and my professors. I'm in my masters now and the workload is insane. Earlier on I had to study in december-january and may-june and do a couple of tasks throughout the year, but now the workload is mainly during the year. I needed some time adjusting to that. 
> 
> Since I only have 3 exams in january, I was thinking about doing a short story (possibly multi-chapters, I don't know yet) about one of our beloved aCoTaR couples, Christmas/Winter themed. I'm open for any couple, except Feyre/Rhysand since there are already so many truly amazing fics out there for them. So if any of you are interested or have a preferred couple, comment down below :)
> 
> Bye


	6. I hate the way you make me laugh - Nesta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian finally gets a date with Nesta, but can Nesta let the past go?

 -- Updated and changed on april 14th 2019 --

I wasn’t going to do it.

Some balls he had, thinking that it only took three stupid pieces of paper to convince me he had feelings that went beyond lust.

That stupid dark haired bouncer. He was probably lurking at the outside of the pool in that ridiculous uniform. He’d probably rip the pastel coloured uniform if he moved those bulky arms too much. It was like containing a wolf in a fluffy sheep onesie. It wasn’t right.

He shouldn’t look so inconspicuous when behind that sweet ice cream-selling exterior a cocky, brute collection of dangerous muscle was hidden. The mothers had no idea that the ice cream vendor could probably crush their skulls with the slightest of effort.

Perhaps I was being unfair. After all I’d only once seen him direct that anger towards someone and it had been to protect me.

But he could become angry when drunk. Thomas had seemed like a good natured boy who happened to have muscles. That was until I refused to have sex with him when he got drunk. The memory made me shiver.

Going for a swim had at least taken my mind off of it for a bit. I’d finally done it. I had finally reached the distance I wanted to be able to swim without touching the bottom of the pool a single time. Now the only thing left to do, was getting faster.

I felt elated. Excited. Happy perhaps. And so not a single thought crossed my mind as I walked out of the pool to go towards our bungalow.

Until the sounds of laughing children and chirping crickets was suddenly drowned out by two high pitched female voices and two male background vocals.

No.

_Honey I’m still free, take a chance on me._

 

Oh God, no.

 

_If you need me let me know._

Fuck.

I looked up once I got past my original bafflement. The tall man was approaching me with his trademark grin.

 

‘Now you’re just being dramatic.’

He grinned and fell on one knee.

‘Have you received my messages?’

‘Yes. It appeared you had some difficulty with the rhyme.’

‘I did. But I thought it good enough for a first attempt at poetry.’

‘Wouldn’t pursue a career in it.’

‘I’ll take that advice to heart. But can I pursue you though?’

 

The music was still playing in the background. And he was still sitting on a knee. Already three persons had paused to watch us. Without context, this looked like the most extravagant promposal or proposal. He wouldn’t let me get away without an answer. I could feel my heart racing as my palms got clammy. Too many people were watching. This situation was out of control.

‘Fine. Tonight at six at the pier you said?’

He raised his eyebrows.

‘It was only a suggestion.’

‘Fine. I’ll come’, I replied before walking away at high speed.

 

 

 

 

 

 _He can’t come for me. He has to work._  
_Don’t turn around, keep on walking._

Once I was at the bungalow I let out a big breath of relief. The audacity he had!  
Who did he think he was? Some Romeo, writing poetry to me and making grand public gestures? Who did he think I was that it would work?  
Who did he think I was that those things might work?  
Who did he think I was that I was worth all of that effort.  
He shouldn’t be spending his time on me. He had two jobs, surely, he had more things to worry about than a girl he barely knew. Why make grand gestures for someone you’ve only spoken to for five minutes?

It was senseless.

I shouldn’t encourage that kind of behaviour. He was being ridiculous. Life was tough and this was all just a ridiculous amount of effort for a stupid summer fling. These things only happened in my silly novels and movies. But there they were within context: they weren’t meant to make sense. They were meant to offer escapism. In those stupid books nobody had a family or job to consider, nor debt or any of the kind. Romantic gestures were just silly. They might look cute but they were stupid. Just like all the women in romance movies dumping their relatable stable boyfriends for the boys they’d met no more than a month ago. In most cases the boyfriends they left had no other bad quality save for prudence and realism. And that’s what we needed in life.

If you picked a bad partner just because of “feelings”, what did you have? A strong attachment that could die? Relationships were about partnership. Something stable, shared moral values, work ethic, both had to make sure they stayed financially afloat. It wasn’t romantic but it was life. That was real. This wasn’t. Cassian wasn’t.

I wasn’t going.

 

 

 

 

 

‘I’m surprised you came!’ The muscled man laughed as I approached him near the pier. His hair was loose and in the white shirt and ripped jeans he looked about as unthreatening as possible, while still being so abnormally tall and muscled.

‘I made a promise. Assumed you would keep on buggering me if I didn’t show up.’

‘Now now, I don’t give up easily but there is a big difference between not giving up and forcing myself upon someone. If you truly hadn’t wanted me, I would’ve taken the hint and respected that.’

‘And how would you have known the difference? I never explicitly took your bait.’

‘But you did, you’re here. And I never explicitly asked you out before today.’

‘Did I seem open to your advances in the club or any other time we encountered each other?’

‘Not really, but you might just be awkward in public. That’s why I wanted you one on one, but still in a public space.’

‘I am awkward in public. Matter of fact, I hate being the centre of attention.’ I remained silent for a couple of minutes, as the meaning of my words hopefully reached target. They did, the tanned man scratched the back of his head. ‘I see, I apologise. I didn’t really know. So, are you just doing this because you are afraid that I will try to do something in public again?’

‘I’ll give you my answer after this “date”.’

 

He laughed after I used air accolades and started walking down the beach. It wasn’t really crowded anymore. Just a couple of people letting out their dog or walking along the shoreline. We walked in silence for a couple of minutes. It was almost weird to have him silent. We hadn’t spoken a lot but he was so clearly someone who loved to break awkward silences and fill rooms with his thundering voice.

‘You got any lakes where you’re from?’  
‘We do, but not close to where I live.’  
‘You like to swim, though?’

‘I did, but that’s got nothing to do with where I live. I used to be a competitive swimmer back when we lived in New York. This holiday was one of the first times since we moved that I got access to a pool for a prolonged period of time.’

‘That explains why you so religiously visit the pool.’  
‘I missed it.’

‘I don’t know what to do with the restless energy in my hands when I don’t go boxing for two weeks. I just feel so impatient, like something clawing under my skin begging to get out. Can’t imagine the feeling of not being able to practice a certain sport for years.’

Yeah, he kind of looked like a boxer. His nose certainly looked like it had fallen victim to many a punch. It was cute though, how he tried to relate. He was much… calmer, than she expected him to be. His big exuberant energy, not much unlike that of an energetic child, seemed significantly… More under control.

‘Yes… But it’s still different from water. I did tracks in New York, and I was able to continue that where I lived. I feel a slight frustration if I haven’t sported in a long time but it’s unlike swimming. It was mostly dormant while I didn’t practice it, though I sometimes thought about it. But returning to the water… It felt like homecoming, being able to immerse myself fully in that cool water. Feeling the resistance of it against my movements, the smoothness. No bathtub in the world can offer that experience.’

‘Yes… But it’s still different from water. I did tracks in New York, and I was able to continue that where I lived. I feel a slight frustration if I haven’t sported in a long time but it’s unlike swimming. It was mostly dormant while I didn’t practice it, though I sometimes thought about it. But returning to the water… It felt like homecoming, being able to immerse myself fully in that cool water. Feeling the resistance of it against my movements, the smoothness. No bathtub in the world can offer that experience.’

‘Yeah, I suppose flying and swimming are unique in that prospect. Nothing can quite equal the sensation.’  
‘Flying?’

‘Yeah, Rhys used to take me and Az gliding when we were younger. It was a mighty feeling. We all got our license but well, it’s an expensive hobby and we don’t have the time… But man, to feel the sky, to feel that machine shake when you hit… I can’t describe it. The terms I’m gonna use probably mean nothing to you. It’s silly, flying is still unlike the bodily sensation I guess’, he said as he walked into the water, the underside of his jeans getting soaked. I stayed a solid foot away from him, careful not to walk in the sand in which I could loose my footing.

 

‘Why did you invite me?’

‘I was waiting for that question. I knew you weren’t someone who’d beat around the bush.’

‘So?’

Cassian laughed and stared at me in a way that I didn’t get. Almost as if he was wondering how I couldn’t understand why he’d asked me. ‘Not to boast, but I get plenty of offers from girls. I’m not desperate. I just like you.’

‘So it turns you off when a girl initiates contact?’  
‘I don’t, sometimes it’s nice. Don’t go spinning my words into things they are not. I can’t help it, but when I see something I like I just feel the need to chase it.’  
‘Why me?’

‘Why not? You’re pretty, stand-offish, and you got wit. You caught my interest.’

‘Is that enough to base a relationship on?’

‘No, but except for the rare few who find their partners between their lifelong friends, nobody gets to know everything there is to know about a person before dating them. For me, knowing what I know about you is enough of an incentive to get to know you better. I’ll see where this will take me.’

How cliché.

‘In the best case it’ll take me to your bungalow.’  
‘Dream on.’

Wait.

  
‘How do you know we rented a bungalow at the resort?’  
‘Rhys told me. And he got it from Mor, who’s constantly training with your sister.’  
‘Training?’  
‘Yeah, for the dance competition in which she shall replace her?’

So that was the reason for Feyre’s absence. I wondered why she would take up dancing. Feyre never danced. What could be the reason for her sudden interest?

‘And she’s gonna dance with… Who exactly?’  
‘Tamlin. Wait… She didn’t tell you?’  
‘Feyre’s secretive.’

The blond instructor. Weird, here I thought she was interested in the black haired boy she kept gawking at. Interesting.

‘Now is the moment we should start making comments about the gorgeous sunset and blabber about secret desires and past hurts.’

I threw a glance towards the lake. The sky was indeed turning hues of pink and yellow.

‘Go ahead, if you’re so determined to pretend this is a Hallmark movie.’  
‘Come on, you know you’d like some good old fashioned romance.’  
‘What’s the point?’  
‘Why does there have to be a point? It’s a summer holiday. It’s fun even if it’s just for a couple of weeks.’  
‘I call that useless.’

 

 

Cassian remained silent. Didn’t he get it? Pragmatism is necessary. What is the use of joy, love and lust? What did they provide but a fleeting feeling which was only to be mourned once you undoubtedly lost it? A summer fling wasn’t worth the heartache or time, that time could be spent on useful things.

The sky changed colour. The dreamy pinks chased away the baby blue sky. Now it was dyed in a dark blue hue. Only a small amount of fiery orange fought to remain on the edge of the horizon.  

My gaze lowered. Cassian was staring at me, five feet away. Time had most definitely passed by. How long had he been waiting? How long had I been staring? Not too long, surely.

‘Why are you so dead-set on the use of things, as an admirer of beauty and enjoyer of tranquillity?’  
‘Because –‘

I felt caught. He wasn’t supposed to get this close. He was probably just assuming things, based on just a handful of events. I could just shake off his assumptions. I didn’t owe him an explanation. But it were the boldest and most perceptive statements I’d gotten thrown my way in a long time.

That’s what annoyed me about him. He was too perceptive. Too sharp-eyed. He seemed to notice everything where I was concerned. It made me uneasy, despite the fact that he literally didn’t do a thing wrong. He didn’t get too close. He didn’t presume. He hadn’t touched me unless necessary. The only thing he’d done wrong was the big show this afternoon, though I wasn’t going to forgive him for that, there wasn’t much else I could blame him for. Except for his character. But blaming him for his directness would be quite hypocritical.

‘Let’s go’, he decided, accepting that there wouldn’t be an answer.  
‘Go where?’  
‘I believe you’ll like it. It’s just five minutes from here. You like some competition, right?’  
‘Depends on what kind of competition.’  
‘Just a friendly game’, he laughed as he started walking away from the water.

  
At the fair Cassian stopped near an attraction, turning back to me with a big toothy grin on his face.

‘Well, what do you think?’  
‘Bumping cars?’  
‘Well?’ he laughed raising his palms as he inched closer towards the attraction.

Beating Cassian? Damn right I liked the idea. He liked being in charge. And he looked like he could win every fight. He probably wasn’t used to losing. I could just imagine him to be a sore loser.  
‘Game on.’  
‘Yes!’ He exclaimed while jumping in the air.  
‘You won’t be that ecstatic once I beat you.’

  
‘You think you’re going to win?’ Cassian huffed.  
‘No more and no less than you think you’re going to win.’  
‘Are we going to make a bet?’  
‘I wouldn’t know what to ask of you if I won.’  
‘Pity, I did have something in mind.’  
‘Let’s see who wins, and we’ll figure it out from there.’  
‘Deal.’

We hopped into our neon coloured cars once he’d paid, at his own insistence. After  a full hour of chasing each other, bumping into one another and almost getting a whiplash, I had bumped Cassian for a total amount of 43 times and he’d hit me 45 times. The difference between our scores had never been larger than five points and I’d given him a tough time, despite not having been in this attraction since my early teens. He’d won, fair and square. Maybe I would’ve beaten him if I had done this more often.

‘Can I say I’ve won the bet?’ He asked as he untied and redid his hair.  
I sighed, feigning annoyance. I would be pleasant for once. ‘Alright, go ahead. But don’t gloat, you didn’t win by that much.’  
‘I won so I want you to… Grant me dates until I can make you laugh like you did in those cars.’

I almost physically drew back. I wished he’d stop being that straightforward. It was too confronting. Sure, I wasn’t a happy-happy smiley-smiley person, but it just sounded plain sad that he thought it would take multiple dates before I laughed again. It felt too intimate, too caring, too personal, to ask such a thing.

_Too close._

‘So all I have to do is laugh, and you’ll leave me alone?’  
‘Or you discover that you like to laugh.’

_Stop it. Too intimate. Don’t talk about me like that, like I’m broken and you can fix me._

 

 

 

I needed something snarky and mean, to put some distance between us.

I couldn’t do this. I’d struggled for so long to live under water. I’d rather continue suffocating than taking a breath and realising what I’d been living without. It would only make me realize I’d been drowning for years.

Something pulled me back to reality, a warm hand holding mine. He’d come closer. The tan hand kept holding mine. Why? I blinked.

He knew I was back, he was perceptive enough to notice.

My heartbeat was raging. What did he say? I needed to answer him because otherwise we would continue this nonverbal contact and that was just… just…

 

 _Don’t look up._ Don’t look into those stupid gorgeous amber eyes with too much emotion. _You don’t have the strength to resist him when he is this close_. What was he thinking? I’d been silent for too long, he was probably worried or something. Crap.

 _Please Cassian, drop it, you’ve seen enough of me by now_. 

 

‘Nesta?’

Great, now I had to look up.

Our eyes connected. I still couldn’t find my voice, yet my hands were more than willing to convey a message I didn’t want to send. Or rather, I didn’t want to allow myself this, for a number of logical reasons.

I would hate myself for this, but I realized my mind was losing this battle.   
My free hand was on his upper arm, and his free hand was somewhere on the top side of my back.   
His thumb stroked my thumb of our entwined hands.

‘It’s fine’, he whispered.

Where I thought my heartbeat was racing before, it now seemed to have stopped entirely. And God, it was just like in those stupid silly books. I could indeed feel the electricity and inevitability of what was going to happen.

He bent forward, and fire erupted.   
The voice in the back of my head was thrown in a corner as my body took over, grasping for his hair and skin. I kissed him like a drowning man struggling for air. Each kiss ignited more energy in me to go in for a new one. His body felt so solid all power escaped my legs as I clung to him.

I was showing too much at once, more than I even knew I had inside of me. I didn’t know I was this desperate for human touch. Shouldn’t have been a surprise after over four years of barely touching anyone except for a fleeting shoulder pat or quick hug.

The voice came back from her corner as shame flooded me. I’d gone too far and I couldn’t take it back. He’d seen too much and now I couldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened.

‘No no, Nesta, please.’

‘Please _what_?’ I snapped as I looked him straight in the eye.

‘Don’t do this. I can just see the gates closing in your eyes.’

He didn’t have the right to any part of me behind those gates.

What lay behind those gates was dark, troubled and private.

 

He shouldn’t see it.

He wouldn’t.

I didn’t need anyone.

‘I’m leaving.’

‘What- Nesta!’

‘Goodbye Cassian.’

‘Is it something I did?’  
He looked lost and confused, and not a small part guilty.

‘Just to be clear: I don’t hate you.’  
It seemed to confuse him more than alleviate his concern, but I didn’t care.

I needed to be in control, and right now I wasn’t.

 

 

 


	7. My kingdom for a lift - Feyre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feyre gets up and close with Rhysand, both literally and figuratively as they practice the lift. The tension between the two of them starts rising as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, welcome back now that it's officially springtime.  
> I would like to inform you that after much deliberation I decided that the previous Nesta chapter was too OOC so I changed the ending. Do check it!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this easy chapter of pure Feysand fluff, the next one will be a lot more serious unfortunately.

‘Feyre, welcome.’  
Mor was wearing a long dark legging and a sleeved shirt. _Damn it._

‘Hey Mor, had a nice night?’  
‘Unfortunately not’, she pouted as she rubbed her belly in annoyance. ‘It’s frustrating, you know? I feel this egg growing in me… Every day it’s becoming more of a human being. I’m confronted by that reality and Graysen’s rape every morning when I wake up to puke my guts out and every time a smell causes me discomfort… Oh I just wish I didn’t have to wait this long. I don’t want to terminate a pregnancy but I cannot live with a child. I’m not capable of it. Not mentally, not financially, not in any way! And I simply won’t condemn it to a life of feeling unwanted, having a baggage from the second it is born and every other miserable thing that comes along with being given away at birth. Ugh, I’m sorry. Perhaps it’s a bit too heavy a topic this early on in the day.’

She sighed and put on her dancing shoes. ‘How’s Elain holding up with that asshole?’  
‘Turns out he’s even more of an asshole when he’s drunk’, I replied as I sat down next to her to put on my shoes.   
‘What’d he do?’  
‘Accuse her of flirting with someone else.’  
‘Damn. And is she? Not that I’d blame her for setting her sight on someone nicer.’

I nodded. ‘I can’t really speak about it much. But I think Lucien is quite kind to her. It’s nothing special. They just get along, nothing inappropriate yet Graysen is fuming.’  
‘He’s an entitled brat. I don’t know how he could’ve hidden that side of him from her this long.’  
‘He hid it from all of us. I was very surprised as well. But it seems more of his personality is seeping through each day, she’s very much out of his spell. I would’ve expected her to be a wreck, but she’s keeping up so well. I wonder if it’s because she’s falling out of love with him at an incredible speed. She knows he’s currently texting other girls, she knows he’s lying to her, he was even mean to her when he was drunk. I mean, hard to cry over losing someone like that.’

‘Losing someone like what?’ A male voice asked in curiosity.   
We both turned around. Rhysand strolled in, carrying a bag over one shoulder and looking incredibly casual and relaxed in the studio.

‘Someone like Graysen.’ His face become clouded in disgust.   
‘I’d cry over losing him. Tears of joy, to be exact.’  
I rolled with my eyes from amusement, but Mor rolled hers in annoyance.

‘Jeans, Rhys? Really?’  
‘Chill cous’, I’ll be able to do everything I need in these. I even put on a t-shirt and the annoying heeled dress shoes you made me buy.’  
And indeed, on his feet he seemed to be wearing male ballroom shoes.  
‘Well you better, it was time you put them to use again.’ She turned toward me. ‘I forced Rhys and Azriel to perform with me from time to time before I got Tamlin as my permanent dancing partner. They happened to have the same shoe size so they passed that one pair of shoes to one another’, she stage whispered with a smile.

Rhys shook off his leather jacket and rolled his head. God, he looked so hot in that t-shirt. The shirts he wore worked wonders for his broad shoulders, but the t-shirt showed of his abbs in a delightful manner. How was a nightclub owner this ripped?

‘Right, so we gotta stretch or?’

Mor nodded.   
‘Yeah, just follow along with us.’

I threw Rhys a tentative smile as he took place beside me. Mor put on the music and went to sit in front of us.

She went through the usual stretching routine. Nothing too difficult, I was quite flexible from the regular training. I’d felt nervous in the beginning, but it was only because of my excitement and the trust these people were putting into me. I’d never really been aware of how my body looked while going through the moves. But now I most certainly did.

I’d only ever worried about doing the moves in a correct fashion but I’d never wondered how I looked doing them. Now I suddenly felt self-aware in every way.   
I wondered how suggestive some moves were while I pushed my pelvis up. And I felt too nervous to look aside while bending over to grasp my feet. Was he watching me? Or was he just going through the moves?

‘You stiff old man’, Mor laughed. Only then did I look at Rhys, whose hands could only reach just below his knees.   
‘May I remind you I have a daytime job which involves a lot of sitting and standing? I am still doing you a favour. I could leave any time. It’s only because I don’t want to leave poor Feyre alone with you that I’m staying, really’, he grinned.

Mor rolled her eyes and took off her shirt, revealing a sports bra. Okay, I wouldn’t be the only one skipping about scantily clad today. I let out a breathe of relief.

‘I know you’re familiar with the styles and the most common moves, so I’ll show you the dance a couple of times with Feyre. And then I’ll do it with you. Maybe in thirty minutes we can start building towards improving Feyre’s dancing.’

A blush crept to my cheeks as I walked towards the middle of the room.

‘Rhys, do be a darling and press play for us when I say so.’  
‘Sure, Morrie.’

Mor took place behind me and placed her hands on my hips.   
‘Play’, she said. I tensed as the music started. I let my hands trail across Mor’s body. In half an hour I would be doing this with Rhysand. My heart leaped.   
_No, don’t think of him._ Or should I? I was supposed to think of the dance as some passionate scene between lovers.  
 I put my strength in my movements while defiantly holding up my head as Mor swung me away and then let me turn around before pulling me back to her chest. I didn’t want to make eye contact right now, though Mor had repeatedly told me I needed to look at the crowd. I didn’t want Rhysand to distract me.

Two three-four. Two three-four. Two three-four and don’t forget to breathe. Twist. The foot work went great today. I could hear Tamlin and Mor’s combined advise in my head.

Mor pushed. Pull, Feyre, pull. At each twist we looked into each other’s eyes again. Now came the part with the heartbeat rhythm.

My hands came up to the sides of my head.

“De todo un poco,” Michael Lloyd sang again. I bet I wouldn’t be able to stand this song by the time of the performance.

Now came the time for the lift. We danced backwards, I rotated and walked away. I took a breath stood still three seconds before running towards Mor with spread arms. She put her hands just above my hips and let them drag upwards slowly, just like Tamlin would when he would put me down after the dreaded lift.

We finished the rest of the routine. It went great. I put enough energy in my movements. I was controlled. I didn’t rush through the movements- well, for the most part. I could even put some eye contact and comfortable touches in my dance with Mor, something I struggled with when I danced with Tamlin.

‘And, what do you think?’ Mor asked him.  
‘I don’t think I’ll have a hard time at all. You said she needed training? She seems to be doing pretty good.’

‘Of course, I’ve been training for weeks. I don’t think Mor would still have me if I didn’t make any progress.’

Rhysand grinned.

‘Maybe I would. You’re nice to have around Feyre. But yes, you’ve made so much progress, I’m incredibly grateful for your presence’, Mor smiled as she put her hands on my hips.

‘Rhysand, pay attention. We’ll go through it in slow motion now, without the music. Do you think you’ll get it?’

‘Sure, why don’t you try it with me after this? It seems like I’ve seen and done big chunks of this routine before. It’s just another song and a couple of new parts of a couple of seconds.’

Mor nodded.

‘Here we go, Feyre’, she said. I took that as my cue and let my hands slide down. Mor’s hands went to cover mine, and tantalizingly slowly she turned me around. Now that I had the time, I took the time to assess my moves and execute everything perfectly. Sometimes I caught myself holding my arm a bit too much inwards or not holding my back up straight. But overall it was fine.

After we were done I was allowed to sit down and drink some water as Rysand took place behind Mor.

‘Ready Rhyssie?’  
‘Sure thing Morryworry’, he grinned.   
Mor smiled up at him as she let her hands slide down.

‘Didn’t you miss doing this?’ she said as she turned around and they started doing the standard footwork.   
‘Hmm, I don’t know. I certainly could think of better things to do in the morning after closing up my club at six, like sleeping.’

‘Boring’, she sighed as she twisted. Their banter stopped, probably because Rhys wasn’t familiar with this part. His moves weren’t as precise or energized. He was probably tired. But even without the tiredness he was obviously an experienced dancer but _not_ a trained one. There was no perfectionism in his moves. I recognized myself in the way he did the moves. It was like me at the end of the first week. When I moved my arm, my movement stopped at my hand. I didn’t stop to think about holding my fingers and palm in a certain way. When I pointed my foot, I hadn’t thought of point it  outwards. It was only when Mor pointed it out to me that I realised how many muscles I hadn’t used by doing the motions in the “lazy way” I’d done them before.

He’d said he recognized much of the dance, but he didn’t seem to struggle with any part, despite not having danced for quite some time and only having seen Mor and me perform it twice. I couldn’t guess which parts were new for him from the way he and Mor went through the motions.

If I couldn’t tell he didn’t do the dance before, perhaps I was giving him less credit than I should. He could probably remember the passes with ease. I felt jealousy swelling inside of me. Even just walking through the dance moves had been hard for me in the beginning. I kept on forgetting what followed after certain moves. Back then I had illogically jumped from one move to another which didn’t follow it, and couldn’t follow it, because they didn’t flow into each other. Now I knew the moves followed each other in a smooth and specific order made to appear natural.

‘With music?’

‘Maybe one more time, taking it from this movement?’ Rhysand asked as he held his arms and legs in a certain way. Mor nodded and went through the motions again.   
‘Ah yes, so like this?’ Mor let go of him as he took a certain pose with his arms. She adjusted his left one a little bit. ‘Like that.’ His chest wasn’t as ridiculously muscled like Tamlin’s, and I quite preferred Rhysand. Tamlin was an expert dancer, but looked like a bodybuilder, Rhysand was what I had envisioned dancers to look like: lean, muscled, nothing overdone.

‘Okay, we can do it with music.’  
I walked towards the installation. ‘Ready?’   
Mor and Rhysand took their positions.   
I pressed play.

It was astounding. He only messed up thrice throughout the entire song. Thrice! And that was only because his pacing had been wrong, not because he’d forgotten a move or done a move incorrectly. How was it possible? And this time, his fingers and feet had been powerful, and his back straight.

It had only been laziness? Oh my god. He _did_ know what he was doing. Screw me with a chainsaw. I knew what to do as well but if he was this good at his second try… My relief had been that I would have a day off of feeling inadequate with Tamlin shining like the experienced star he was.

Now I would have to dance with someone who was both great at it, and I felt attracted to. If guardian angels existed, mine was on a holiday for sure. Rest in peace, oh gentle heart of mine.

‘Feyre? You’re good to go?’  
I nodded, walking towards the middle of the room like I had swallowed a dozen bricks. My gaze was unfocused and my heart beating like crazy. I turned away from Rhysand and then-  
two warm hands on my hips. A warm face pressed to my cheek.

Shivers chased down my skin. I put my hands in place gently. My fingers were shaking.

The music started and it was as if I got a kick to the butt. My hands flew upward before slowly and tentatively coming down.

Fingers stroking his shirt. His abs were rock hard underneath the fabric. His palms came to rest on mine.

I gasped and turned away and instinctively found his eyes- as I was trained to do by now. His gaze was hypnotizing. Suddenly dancing to the heartbeat wasn’t difficult anymore. Time seemed to slow down as I was pulled towards him again. I kept seeking out his gaze- and stumbled.

‘I’m sor-‘ He pushed again, not letting me ruin the dance by talking.

Tamlin had taught me this already. _Just keep dancing, no matter what goes wrong._ The people looking won’t know something went wrong. I shouldn’t give up the entire dance because of one wrong move.

Why did I feel the need to stop moving and explain my mistake instead of dancing.

_Focus Feyre._

I looked down towards my feet as I went through the hardest part of the footwork.

I turned around again, to where the crowd would be.

“De todo un poco.”

I shook my head, danced backward and ran towards him. Time slowed down as he held out his arms and pulled me closer. Standing there, in his arms in the bright light of day, I took notice of the purple hue in his blue eyes. I’d never noticed before.

And just like that, the music changed and the moment was gone. I turned away and continued the dance, until the music stopped.

‘Well. I gotta say I’m impressed’, Mor decided.

I let out a breath of relief.

‘You really got the beat this time, Feyre, if it wasn’t for that mishap and three moves you didn’t execute that well. Rhys, do be careful to not grasp Feyre like you want to eat her. We’re at a dance performance, not a night club.’

‘Funny’, Rhys said. ‘Wonder how that would come.’  
‘Probably not because of being in a night club every day’, I sighed.   
‘Most definitely not’, Rhysand agreed.

Mor rolled her eyes and went to stand in front of me. ‘Let’s go back to this part’, she said as she put her arms in second position. ‘You need to make sure they stay nice and rounded. Like Tam said, you’re holding a very big balloon. If you squish it, it jumps from between your hands and if you hold it too loosely it’ll fall. Do remember your arm work. I see you’re putting a lot of energy in your arms now, which is great Now you just need to make sure they’re level  and rounded instead of angled. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Secondly, and you know this one, don’t talk or stop your routine. You stumbled, it happens.’ I nodded again.

‘Now, Rhysand, come here.’

Rhysand sauntered over to where we were. ‘The second jump wasn’t perfect. Could you two redo it?’

‘Second? You mean the moment I pick her up while turning around counts as a lift?’ Rhys asked in confusion.

‘There’s supposed to be a lift during the second you two just stood there with your arms sliding down her body. The second is after you’re spinning around while her feet are off the ground. When she crouches and then jumps against you.’

Rhysand nodded. I took his hands and went into a crouch before jumping up, utnring my hand and arms outwards.

‘Yes. That’s it. Hold her for a second. Look into each other’s eyes. Feyre hold your legs closed. Alright, now the jumps. Left jump, right jump, your hand Feyre. Yes. Turn your head away from him. Jump up again. Go to stand on Rhysands left. Yes, now bow. Smile! Perfect. We barely have anything left to correct. Maybe we can even give the lift a try tomorrow.’

‘Maybe. I’m a bit nervous though.’

‘It will be fine. You’ve already jumped during this dance and managed to hold your posture for the most part. You’ve also held your posture for the five seconds during the twists in the middle of the routine. It’s only a small step up now.’

‘But those were much closer to the ground.’

‘Ah, so it’s a full above head lift then?’ Rhysand asked. Mor nodded.

‘Can you still do it?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve managed to have regular work-outs the last couple of weeks, so I guess I could.’

Mor nodded. ‘Want to give it a go with me? You’re used to lifting me after all.’

Rhysand nodded and wiped his hands down his jeans.

‘Bring it.’

Mor ran away and Rhysand bent down slightly, arms stretched out. ‘I’ll work on making it look pretty once I’m sure I can still do it’, he assured her. He didn’t seem bothered by my presence at all. He was just focussed on completing the task at hand. Didn’t he feel nervous when I stood beside him? Didn’t he forget what he was doing when he looked me in the eye? Perhaps I was indeed a silly girl for thinking a rich handsome nightclub owner could fall for me.

Elain did have her head stuck in the clouds most of the time. She refused to see the bad and the ugly. Maybe it was easy for her to imagine that no matter how unlikely the match, two people could still fall for each other. But Elain was prettier and more likeable.

Mor smiled and nodded towards Rhysand before running and then- it was like magic. I didn’t know how she did it. Suddenly her two feet came together, she seemed to bend her knees a little bit… And then she was flying. Stretching towards the sky as she threw her arms away from her body. The muscles of Rhysand’s arms flexed as he adjusted to her weight before coming up to stand straight. The balance was perfect. They almost seemed like a sculpture, hewn out of marble and destined to maintain that perfect balance for eternity.

My fingers itched with the need to paint.

‘Feyre, what do you think?’

I blinked. Mor was standing in front of Rhysand again.

‘I think I don’t even understand how that happened. Can you do it again? Perhaps a bit slower?’

‘I can’t do it slower. I need momentum for my jump. But I can talk during it.’

She walked backwards again.

‘So, you connect eyes with your partner. Right? You take a deep breath and you run. Bend your knees when you’re running, only a little bit. It’ll give you more power, but bending down too much will take too much time and momentum. Then, you push yourself off of the ground with one foot. Both are in the air. You land on both feet- nnnn ugh… And then you jump. The second both of your feet are on the ground after the small jump is when you have most of your momentum. You saw how I stretched my entire body? Then Rhysand picks me up and uses my momentum to put me above his head. Then the movement stops. Now it’s just balance. My arms are spread because it stabilises me. It’s easier to remain in this position that way. My whole body is tense and I’m very aware of my centre. It’s my point of gravity. The slightest move and it shifts. Your partner won’t be able to readjust and will probably need to seek new balance as well. Maybe they’ll be able to hold you, but it’ll look wobbly for a couple of seconds. So if you move, it’s better to break off the lift. See?’ she said as she moved one foot a bit and Rhysand’s arms seemed to snap instantly. Rhys bent and Mor fell to her feet quickly. ‘So don’t move. Rhysand, once you have her above you, don’t keep her up too lang. Just until she’s steady for a second and then put her down again, alright? She won’t be able to hold still the first couple of times.’

‘Relax’, Mor said as she walked towards me. ‘You’re allowed to cripple Rhys today. If he pulls a muscle because you move it’ll be fine. It’s Tamlin we don’t want injured because we need him as a performer.’

‘Sweet. You do realise I have a job as well, right?’

‘Oh suck it up, baby’, Mor sighed.

I walked backwards. Just run and jump and then not move at all and let him do the work. That could work.

Was I heavy? Heavier then Mor? I hoped not. Would he mind the weight?

‘You’ll be able to lift me, right?’ I asked.

‘Feyre darling, I’d be able to lift you, carry you, even throw you a good distance. Just look at you. If I don’t hold on to you, the wind will pick you up and carry you away. You’re fine.’

Alright then, if he said so.                                   

I took more than a breath. I took a couple of breaths until I managed to quiet down my panicked heart enough. I ran. Fast enough so I had enough momento… And ran straight into Rhysand.

We stumbled backwards.

‘Feyre, be mindful of the distance. Perhaps just running up to him a couple of times and fake the jump a bit? You’ve done that before. Don’t forget there’s a limited distance between the two of you.’

And so I ran up to him a couple of times. Until I managed to do the run and small jump. Then it was time.

Again.

For the thing.

My fingers were tingling. My heart was racing. And on the other side of the room, Rhysand was smirking. He held out his arms in an inviting manner.

I took a breath. _Go_.

I ran. I bent my knees. I pushed myself off of the floor. I landed. I jumped. My hands steadied myself on his shoulders and- he staggered backwards, stumbling… And he landed on his ass with me on top of him.

‘Oohmpf… My ass’, he groaned. His eyes slid over me. He tapped on my lip, I’d been biting it.

‘Easy there’, he laughed.

I couldn’t breathe. From embarrassment or wonder- I didn’t know.

Mor pulled me away the next second.

‘Don’t pounce him. Don’t touch him. He is the only one doing the touching. If you hold on to his shoulders, he can’t put you above him. And you break your momentum when you do that.’

‘But how will I keep myself from falling? I just thought I-‘

‘Yes, I understand the need to hold on to something but you can’t. It’s frightening, I know.’

‘You’ll just have to trust me’, Rhysand said as he stood up.

‘Alright, Feyre? You’ll hurt me if you don’t trust me, okay?’ Rhysand walked backwards and nodded towards me. I nodded. Mor’s hands slid off of me.

Rhysand kept his eye contact and gave a slight nod as he spread his arms.

Trust.

He told me he could carry me.

I nodded- and ran. With power. And then- I flew. And for a lovely couple of seconds I felt his hands grasp my waist as I seemed to be lifted even higher- but right before I could spread my arms I fell down again.

It was absolutely exhilarating. My heart was pounding like it had gone berserk. Was this what a heart attack felt like?

In the end I never did manage to float above him. But I got pretty high. And I got used to being lifted. Which was a great start, Mor said.

Rhysand invited us to come to Illyria tonight. Mor promised she’d go, and I told them I had to ask my sisters.

I didn’t know what had happened, but both Elain and Nesta were absent for the entire evening. I felt hesitant to go. Mor knew everyone there. I did too, but I was only an acquaintances. Would I impose? Would they want me there if it meant they had to deal with me the entire time? If I went with my sisters I could talk with them as well. Now it would be just me.

But in the end, my room became too dark, and the bungalow too lonely. So I called Mor, who was apparently just done with the evening performance and promised to take me with her. I met up with her at the mansion. Tamlin had already disappeared into a car with a not too sober looking Lucien.  


	8. Shots and shards of glass- Elain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Lucien gone to process recent events, Elain tries to find new techniques to deal with Graysen and she makes some new friends along the way.  
> The three sisters finally start processing their feelings, and open up about them to each other.  
> Nesta's and Feyre's goals are within reach, and even in the field of love things start clearing up for them.  
> But fate isn't done throwing tragedies on Elain's path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was written in one very late night sitting between 10 pm-4:30 am and I regret nothing. I edited but you can always contact me if the grammar & spelling are off somewhere. 
> 
> It's a hefty chapter, but I belief I can't split it organically. I added lines to make for an easier reading.  
> There's a lot in this chapter about Nesta's and Feyre's story, and the general mystery, but I've also glossed over some days I'll be working out in the upcoming Feyre and Nesta chapters. 
> 
> The next chapter is going to be another Elain one, to wrap this part of our summer adventure. We're getting closer to the finale!  
> Please stay tuned and if you enjoy it, be so kind as to leave a comment. 
> 
> Much love,  
> Lynn

 

 

> Wont you teach me how to love and learn,  
>  There'll be nothing left for me to yearn,  
>  Think of me and burn and let me hold your hand  
>  Oh yeah-ah-eh,  
>  I don't want to face the world in tears,  
>  Please think again, I'm on my knees,  
>  Sing that song to me, no reason to repent
> 
> Bastille- Of the night

 

 _Please let no one be home, please_. I prayed as I opened the bungalow door.

No such luck. Feyre was lounging on the couch with her phone in her hands, an absent smile on her lips. She looked up, her face quickly changing from happy to worried.

‘Elain what-‘

‘He’s awful. He’s so awful and I don’t know how long I can keep this up. He’s so suspicious. I didn’t do anything wrong! I was just a bit late for dinner. He’s almost somebody entirely else, somebody awful. I don’t understand how he can live with himself.’

Well spilling that went easier than expected. The Graysen ordeal was making me become someone I wasn’t. First the lying, now the bluntness and dumping of my problems upon the shoulders of my younger sister. I should get myself together.

She shook her head. ‘What did he do?’

‘He was simply suspicious because I was late for dinner. I had to stay the entire night and sweettalk him like you wouldn’t believe to quell his suspicions…. I feel like a liar. An awful liar living a lie. Lies are awful things, just like secrets. They can ruin lives. They’ve ruined my life! And and…. I’ve been walking for an hour trying to process everything that happened yesterday but….’

‘Elain, you’re not making any sense. What happened?’

 ‘It doesn’t matter.’

You’re worrying your little sister, you selfish thing.

_Horrible, horrid Elain._

Are you really going to spill Lucien’s secret to the second person you’ve encountered after acquiring that knowledge?

Feyre could keep things quiet. I made her worry, now I owed her the truth.

‘It does, speak, Elain.’

‘Yesterday I went to an exhibition with Lucien and his mother. But then… The mayor, whom we were walking with, got injured. We went to the hospital as he was losing a lot of blood and Lucien happened to have the same blood type. Lucien turned out to be an ideal blood donor… Because he was his son! And so amidst the stress of Lucien finding out his mother cheated on his dad, discovering his real father, and hoping Helion would live through it, was consequently late for dinner. Graysen was very upset. No apology worked. And he was suspicious again, despite that I told him I hung out with you two. Never mind. I choose to do this so we can have a nice holiday. I’m just as despicable. I’m using him for a holiday. Dad seems to be enjoying himself so much, and you’re helping others and Nesta… I don’t know, but leaving now would be cruel to the lot of you.’

‘Elain, I’d understand if you couldn’t deal with Graysen anymore. Nobody is asking you to do this.’ Though leaving before the performance… Would ruin everything Feyre had been building up to… And Mor’s chance of getting an abortion. They’d never find someone to replace her in time.

‘You say that, yet I feel like in the past couple of weeks all of us have been happy… And I dare say we’re going somewhere. None of us have ever really had many friends or opened up to people… And look at you, learning to dance and meeting people and perhaps falling in love? And Nesta is finally doing what she loves. Dad is finally out of his morose state and actually doing things- even asking us questions and offering us to do things and I… Nevermind me. I’m just a stupid goose who now has to pay for being so blind in the first place.’

‘And you’re recovering so quickly… And talking to new people, which is so hard for you usually.’

‘Only Lucien… And he’s nowhere to be found.’

‘He was at Illyria yesterday. Didn’t look too sober though. To be more exact, I saw Azriel and Tamlin carrying him to the door at three A.M.’

‘Wouldn’t surprise me, poor boy… He’s probably not okay. He won’t be for a long time probably.’

‘Just hearing it sounds crazy, can’t imagine standing in his shoes’, Feyre admitted as she crawled out of the couch.

I approached her and threw my arms around her.

‘You’re a real darling, you know? Words can’t describe it Feyre.’

Feyre huffed an awkward laugh and wrapped her arms around me.

‘I care about you, Elain.’

‘So, forget about me for a second. How was it yesterday?’

She let me go and huffed a breathless, but happy, laugh.

‘I don’t know how to describe it.’

 

‘Did the training go as planned?’ Feyre nodded with a smile.  
‘Managed to dance with Rhysand?’ She nodded again.

‘What did you do last night?’  
‘Mor took me to Illyria and… Well, let’s say our dance class didn’t stop yesterday morning.’ She gave me her phone and pushed on the Instagram story of a blonde woman – Mor I presumed – causing a video to start playing. The sound was an indiscernible music with a very present bass  and lots of talking. The video was dark but it was clear that the person filming was standing close to Feyre and pushing her. Feyre was laughing and protesting in her typical fashion. A man shouted, I couldn’t hear what exactly. Feyre looked up, probably at the man, and shook her head. The person holding the phone started screaming. Feyre walked away from the phone. The camera now focussed on the man, and then trailed over the crowd to Feyre. As the person holding the camera walked backwards, Feyre started running towards a small staircase of two steps. The man previously shown picked her up and held her above his head for two seconds before she slid down against his chest.  
I couldn’t suppress the “whoow” escaping my lips.

‘That’s him isn’t it, Rhysand?’

Feyre nodded, holding her palm in front of her mouth to hide her smile.

‘Progress?’

‘I couldn’t do a single lift before yesterday. We always skipped it. Can’t believe I only started practising yesterday.’

‘Is that all?’

She shook her head and handed me her phone again. Now the person filming was standing still. Feyre stood level with the man. This time when she ran, she threw her arms around his shoulders and he swung her around, her legs high above the ground as they turned around three times.

‘Now that’s real dirty dancing stuff.’

‘Shut it!’ Feyre laughed.

 

 

I couldn’t even stop myself from smiling, despite having cried less then an hour ago. ‘I’m just so happy that you’re happy Feyre, you deserve it. When you’re smiling like that, showing me those clips, I just can’t stop from smiling myself.’

‘Could he like me?’

‘I don’t know, could he?’

‘He’s so nice to me, but he’s nice to everyone.’

I shook my shoulders. ‘You’ll just have to feel it.’

‘I wish I could know for sure.’

‘You can always convince him you’re a catch by being your best self.’

She was the one to shake her shoulders this time.

‘Maybe’, she said nonchalantly before laughing. ‘We’ll see.’

 

 

 

Feyre walked out of the room. ‘I’m going to annoy Tarquin, see ya!’

‘Wait, who was Tarquin again?’

‘Another boy!’

I laughed and rolled my eyes, walking to my own room to put on my bikini.

Maybe the hot tub could wash away all the shit of yesterday.

I did feel refreshed when I entered, but it took all of a full two minutes before the wheels in my mind started spinning again. After pushing Graysen’s behaviour to the background everything boiled down to one thought: I wanted to be there for Lucien. It more than probably wasn’t my place, and he more than likely needed time and space to sort things through. Yet, yet, yet…

I sank away between the bubbles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

No Lucien at the table with the Vanserra’s that evening.

And as there was no Lucien, Graysen’s neglectful attitude hit me like a brick. He’d never paid me much attention here but now was the first time his attitude actually hurt me. Lucien’s mother threw me a sad smile from the far end of the table where she sat next to her husband. She too was excluded from most of the conversation, I couldn’t help but wonder how long she’d endured this and why she’d ever fallen for mr. Vanserra.

I excused myself after desert and sneaked to the bar but my venture was useless.

There was no Lucien behind the bar that evening.

I decided to return to Graysen, who had taken up place in a lounge room with some other rich kids whose dads worked for the board. I decided to spend as much time with Graysen as I could now that I had no chance of other pleasant company, maybe that way I could take more moments with my sisters and possibly Lucien when the occasions presented themselves. There were three other girls; Ianthe, the blonde daughter of the redhead who’d annoyed Lucien when I first encountered him- a connection I figured out when Ianthe’s mother came in to give her her power bank- , and a gorgeous pair of twins called Nuala and Ceridwen who were genuinely kind and pleasant. One studied philosophy and the other law. They were stunning, smart, passionate and highly aware of political problems of which I knew so little I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious. However as the boys migrated towards card games, with Ianthe more than willingly volunteering to distribute the cards, they enlightened me about many topics and made easy conversation. At the end of the night I was almost sad to leave. At least not all of Graysen’s acquaintances were awful, I had doubted that up until this point.

Graysen kissed me on the cheek and asked me whether I’d enjoyed myself tonight. He told me about the game he’d played, took his toiletries from his room and came to the bungalow with me. ‘It’s about time I have the real holiday experience, isn’t it?’

  
It wasn’t hard to pretend when he was like this. The moments he’d spent time with me this holiday were full of neglect when we were in company, and full of accusations and cheating when we were together. But when we were alone like we were now, without him checking his phone, I could still see the boy who courted me in high school with his good looks, funny remarks and tactile behaviour. It was easy to respond to it, but my heart didn’t flutter anymore since the trust and worth I’d attached to it had disappeared. His touches left me cold as I knew he could just as easily bestow them on a random girl. His kindness to me meant nothing as he abused his position of powers when interacting with those he deemed beneath him. But the intercourse didn’t make me feel like crying anymore, in its place had come a silent resentment.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Another day filled with spending time with Graysen, another day noticing Lucien’s absence. But this day I did spot him on the terrace of the main building with shades in front of his eyes. He was sitting with a woman who was covered head to toe in white with a big straw hat on top of head. The only thing uncovered were the wild red curls streaming down from under the hat. She even wore gloves.

Maybe now wasn’t the moment to disturb him.

 

* * *

At dinner I spotted him with the woman again, sitting alone at a table. This time she only wore a sleek dress. She was as white as a ghost, but frighteningly stunning.

However, as I was sitting with Graysen who had become the embodiment of jealousy, I couldn’t check up on him. I did however decide to follow them after dinner.

As Graysen went to the kitchen to get some leftover deserts which he wanted to take to our lounge, I followed when Lucien and the redhead girl stood.

I didn’t get too far however, as Lucien walked into a men’s restroom. The red haired woman turned around.

‘Elain?’ She guessed.

‘Yes?’

‘You’ve been looking at us.’

I didn’t exactly know how to respond to that.

‘It hardly seems fair you know my name and I don’t know yours.’

‘I’m Vassa, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Lucien is feeling like shit right now and you can’t help him.’

‘I know and I worry-‘

‘Leave the worrying to me, we’ve known each other for years.’

Then where was she been the past few weeks? Why hadn’t I heard of her?

‘I just wanted to ask how he was feeling?’

‘Bad, alright? You know what happened. Now understand that and give him his space. He doesn’t need someone he’s only known for a couple of weeks to start asking questions.’

‘But I don’t understand why I can’t even say hi.’

‘Go bother your boyfriend dear, I heard he doesn’t take so well to you spending time with other people.’

‘He talked about that?’ I asked in shock. I thought he would keep that quiet. I’d never asked him to but somehow it felt evident that the Graysen-affair shouldn’t to be leaked. Also, why did she bring up my boyfriend?

‘Will you tell him I said hi?’

She just stared at me.  
I didn’t get it. A part of me wanted to remain until he exited the toilet just to annoy her but if she was honest about being his friend for years she more than likely had her reasons for telling me off.

She was right, I’d only known him for about two weeks. Yet it hurt to be told off.

 

* * *

As my relation with Graysen started going smoother now that I’d accepted that he was neglectful of me in public and accepted that he was a cheat I would just have to put up with in exchange for my holiday, things started going better.

And now that I wasn’t late to our dates anymore, he had no reason to complain. I spent my days swimming and hanging around with Nuala and Ceridwen and even got to have an actual conversation with Nesta on the third day after the incident. I still thought about it as I was lounging near the pool with Nuala and Ceridwen. It was after I came home from bowling with the group.

 

_‘Nesta?’ I asked surprised as I saw her sitting on the couch with a book in her hands. It was almost finished. ‘Elain, there you are. Everything fine?’ She’d always cared so much for me._

_‘Oh fine, thank you. I just went bowling with Graysen and the group. You simply need to meet Nuala and Ceridwen, you can’t believe how sweet those two are given the rotten company they spend their time with. They’re smart too, I bet you’ll like them.’_

_‘What rotten company?’  
‘Graysen and his gang of power abusive friends of course.’_

_Nesta’s eyebrows raised comically.  
And in that moment I suddenly realized I’d been very good keeping everything from her. Another slip of tongue. I was very good in making my sisters worried and awful at keeping secrets. _

_‘Oh’, I stuttered._  
‘Elain.’  
I shook my shoulders.

_‘You’re hiding something.’  
‘So are you, you worried me the last three days.’_

_‘We’re talking about you right now’, she said sharply._  
‘It’s a lot to explain.’  
‘Try.’  
‘Graysen cheated on me with multiple girls. Apparently he’s known as a douchebag around here and has even slept with girls while I’ve been here. He’s also impregnated Mor, the dancer you met when we went to Illyria. But I’m fine really. If anything I’m annoyed I still have to spend time with him so we can have fun on our holiday here. I’m afraid he’ll send us away once I break up with him. He disgusts me.’

_Her lips moved and here whole face scrunched up._

_‘But you’ve been having sex with him!’_

_‘It’s messy.’_

_‘What the actual fuck!’  
I took a step back, I had seen Nesta angry plenty of times before, but she’d never said that phrase. _

_‘I’m gonna kill the pig.’_

_‘Don’t, too much trouble.’_

_She raised an eyebrow._

_‘You’re joking about this?’_

_‘What can we do about it? He’s a shitty human being but right now I’m using all the advantages being his girlfriend has to offer. Just enjoy your holiday, Nesta.’_

_‘This is so not you. Why aren’t you crying? When did you find out?’_

_‘The first day.’_

_‘So now that I told you about it... I was serious about what I said before. You know I’m always here for you, right?’_  
Her defence lowered a little bit.  
‘It’s nothing compared to your drama.’ ‘Is it about what happened at the pool? I didn’t mean to but I saw someone running up to you while some ABBA song was playing.’

_‘You remember the letters? That person was the one who wrote them.’_

_‘That huge man?’_

_‘Remember the tall bouncer in Illyria? That’s the one. He also happens to sell ice cream here.’_

_‘Ohhhh. So what happened?’_

_‘He took me on a date.’_

_‘You went?’_

_She threw me an annoyed glance._

_‘Error of judgement, happens to the best.’_

_‘So it was awful?’_

_‘No, it wasn’t.’_

_‘I’m not following. Where did it go wrong then?’_

_She licked her lips and looked away._

_‘You like him?’_

_‘He’s stupid.’_

_She did like him._

_‘He thinks he knows me so well. What right does he have to assume that much about me. He keeps crawling under my skin, trying to get to know… Everything about me. He leaves me no room for-‘_

_‘Yourself. You need some space and control. I get it. However I don’t think he means ill, he sounded innocent enough in the little letters.’_

_‘Nesta, I love you and I’m here for you if you’re unsure. I’m your sister, I’m going nowhere.’_

She had looked frightened and insecure. She hadn’t sorted through her emotions yet, that much was obvious. The boy, in some wonderous way, had managed to get under her skin. That was no easy feat. Nesta wasn’t used to people trying to get close to her. She usually scared them off with ease, or at least managed to keep them at a certain distance. That someone both _wanted_ and _managed_ to get close to her was simply astounding. Nesta had built those barriers to protect herself and since then she’d never been in a position where someone got so close to her that she had to decide what she felt for them or how she would threat them. And there I was, asking her questions about it, which would make her feel even more vulnerable. She didn’t tell me what transpired on that date, but it was obvious she was struggling with it and was avoiding him until she had decided upon a course of action.

With Nesta brooding, Feyre continuing her dancing and my life getting back into a calm routine the last couple of days, I finally felt like I could breathe. Everything had been so eventful I hadn’t been able to process or reflect. Now as I lay on the hot tiles near the pool my mind could revaluate my relationship with Graysen, my feelings for Lucien and my opinions about my sisters.

 

* * *

After a day of lounging and swimming, everyone got ready for dinner and the usual after dinner affair.

Nuala and Ceridwen were present too, but were very glammed up.

‘We’re going clubbing, don’t you want to join Elain?’

‘Oh, I don’t know’, I said as I threw a meaningful look towards Graysen.

‘Oh, but we’d have much more fun with three, or more’, Nuala pleaded.

‘As far as I care, everyone can come’, Ceridwen said, but she looked uncomfortable. Someone like her probably disliked the views of more than half of the people in this room.

‘Anyways, where would you be going?’ I asked innocently.

‘We don’t have set plans but we’re thinking Twitch and Illyria.’

‘And Quartier Latin, they have the cheapest shots so we’ll be heading there first.’

They both looked at me pleadingly.

‘Graaaysen’, I begged.

‘Yes dear?’

‘The girls have a request’, I smiled as I threw an arm around his neck as he came to stand behind me.

‘Do they?’

‘They’re asking me whether I join their venture to Funky Town.’

‘Oh, well…’

‘You can come too!’ Nuala said.

‘Everyone can’, Ceridwen exclaimed with a smile.

‘Me and the boys are a bit wrapped up watching the game, and we’ll probably stay up drinking after. You can go if you want’, he said before kissing my lips and walking away.

The dark haired sisters smiled. Clubbing it was.

Feyre had told me she hadn’t seen Lucien at Illyria the last two days, but he might have gone to another club.

Walking around the grounds after swimming, I had noticed Nesta walking around the ice cream stand near the pool with a big bow, the creepy black haired rich kids leaving a cabin and the eldest Vanserra talking with someone… But no Lucien.

Maybe I should just give up and give him the space he was obviously searching. I should just focus on myself and having fun.

‘I need to clean up a bit first.’ My hand slipped to my quick updo which was sagging so much it couldn’t even be deemed a ‘messy bun’ anymore.

‘How about we leave in forty minutes, is that fine for you? We have time, after all it’s only ten twenty.’

‘Maybe 50 is more doable, after all it’s a little walk for me. I don’t reside in the main building.’

‘Oh yes of course, it’s fine. We just want to enjoy a bit of happy hour so if we could get there before twelve that’d be great.’

 

 

 

 

 

Nesta was at the bungalow, as always. She was wearing a bikini top she hadn’t worn before and the tanlines of her previous bikini were quite obvious. At the very least her holiday goals were coming along nicely.

‘Hey.’

‘You’re back early.’

‘I’m going clubbing with Nuala and Ceridwen. We’re going to something called Twitch and Illyria. Want to come?’

‘We parted on a bad note.’ She replied. It was obvious who she was referring to.

‘A bad note or something you consider a bad note?’

‘I don’t know how to face him, so I don’t face him.’

‘You can still change your mind, both about talking to me about that date and about coming with me. I’m gonna change.’

I threw all outfits I could wear to the club on my bed. I settled for a black off shoulder top and a silver skirt and flats. As I was applying a bronze eyeshade, Nesta suddenly appeared in my door wearing a black see through top with a high collar and a black bra and some black ripped jeans. Her hair was up, but she’d left some strands out to frame her face. The blue of her eyes was circled with a strong black and the baking around her eyes managed to conceal the sleep she’d lost over the ‘stupid’ boy.

‘You’re coming?’

‘If your friends don’t mind. I decided to do the adult thing and have an actual conversation to talk it over. I’m not going to hide in some corner like a shy little girl.’

I lined my eyes with a brown pencil and then stood up to embrace my sister.

‘They’ll just have to accept you, or I’m not going anymore.’

I didn’t need to fear, Nuala and Ceridwen laughed and greeted Nesta warmly when we met them at the main building.

We still made it in time to do a round of shots. And another, and another, and another.  With the happy hour still going we managed to each down eight shots before entering the first club. I nipped on an coke as we danced so I could assess how hard the shots would hit me before I’d drink something else. Nesta wasn’t here to enjoy the music but she did her best to blend in and appear to be having fun. Her shoulders were relaxed enough and I knew it had nothing to do with the alcohol but everything to do with the big company of girls. Four was a big enough number, not too many guys dared to approach a group of four girls. She’d also put on more than enough makeup, men rarely went for women with a lot of makeup on, Nesta knew that very well.

 

 

 

We danced for about an hour and a half, and I enjoyed one more cocktail before we went to Illyria. To my surprise, Feyre was standing outside next to a tiny smoking woman with a bob. I’d seen her before, she worked here.

‘Nesta! Elain!’ Feyre waved enthusiastically.

‘If you all keep coming here this much, I’m gonna tell Rhys to put you on the guest list’, the woman huffed with a smile.

But as she said it, the tall sharp eyed bouncer had already let us past. It was only the second time I met him, but something told me this man – what had been his name? Azriel? – remembered every face he saw.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Practicing her dance moves as usual, and distracting our chief.’

‘What?’

‘Amren! Not true.’

‘I’m going back inside, kid’, she smiled.

I raised my eyebrows expectantly, but Feyre simply shook her head.

‘Let’s go in.’

 

* * *

 

Alcohol definitely hit me after that, and while I was aware of everything happening and still capable of making decisions, I was very aware of my loss of motoric control and it took more of an effort than usual to focus.

As we walked towards the top part of the club, my eyes were scanning the dance floor for long red hair. Could I find Lucien? Was he here? I so hoped he was alright. Well he wouldn’t be alright, of course. But I hoped he was fine enough. I just wanted to see him, it would give me such relief to just see him with my own eyes. Preferably without that Vassa.

When my left foot hit the top level Nesta departed from the group and disappeared into the dancing crowd. She’d probably spotted the big guy… Or she was getting a drink.

Feyre took us to a spot on the dance floor. I recognized the blonde woman and the black haired man immediately. I waved enthusiastically as a sign of recognition

His club did have the best DJ, the songs ranged from the catchiest sing along songs to the best songs to dance to. Not too much techno or rave, as was currently trending in some clubs at home.

I danced along to the music, just happy to move and laugh with Nuala, Ceridwen, Nesta and Feyre. I clapped along as Rhysand and Mor tried to teach Feyre some clubbing moves, and cheered as Rhysand lifted her. I professed my gratefulness when a platter of shots was passed and my heart fluttered when I saw a copper haired man pass. He looked so much like Lucien.

I just wished I could see him.

Wait.

 

 

I turned around, sure enough it was Lucien!  
He was dancing not too far from where we were standing, not making eye contact with anyone as the strange rhythmed Bad Guy song played.  
He looked tired. Someone bumped in to him and he stumbled too much. He wasn’t sober either. The music changed.

He looked up, his eyes finding mine. I bit my lip to dim my smile. Why did just seeing him make me smile?

All the drama of our last meeting was forgotten as we gravitated towards each other.

_**I can feel your love pullin' me up from the underground, and** _   
_**I don't need my drugs, we could be more than just part-time lovers** _   
_**I can feel your touch pickin' me up from the underground, and** _   
_**I don't need my drugs, we could be more than just part-time lovers** _

**_We could be more than just part-time lovers  
We could be more than just part-time lovers_ **

 

My lips automatically sang along with the song as I danced. At some point my back ended up against his chest and the only thing I registered was his hands on my belly and his breath whispering along with the song near my ear.

Songs changed but our positions only little. Depending on the rhythm of the music I just alternated between swinging my hips along, gliding down his legs, dancing with our chests touching and dancing near him to have a bit more space. As I came up again after dropping it low, I suddenly realized how close our faces were together. Our cheeks were touching as his fingers kept moving up and down my hips.

I held my breath. I knew what a dangerous this position was. And in that moment I was hyper aware of the fact that we were about to kiss. But at the same time it felt unavoidable. We were simply going to kiss.

That he was probably drunk? That I was probably more than tipsy? That I still had a boyfriend? That he was probably experiencing an identity crisis right now? That this kiss would probably have consequences the next time we saw each other? I knew all of that, and those thoughts were very present in those exhilarating electrifying seconds before the unavoidable happened. My awareness made my heart beat even crazier than before, but it couldn’t stop the desperate need I felt to kiss him.

And then we were kissing, without stopping our dancing. I turned around a bit, so that our chests were facing each other. His hands slid towards my lower back as he pulled me closer. My heart _soared_.

Yes! I’d been wanting this.

I had never noticed our great height difference until now that we were kissing and his broad shoulders hung over me, effectively sheltering me from the outside world with his body and our curtains of hair. I instantly decided it was sexy and attractive and so much better than Graysen’s stature. I’d never cared about height but I found myself liking the height difference. My stomach was burning. Had kissing ever made me feel this alive? It had always been pleasurable, but never so thrilling.

I batted his hair away and cupped his cheek.

We should stop.

_Come on Elain, this isn’t you. You know it’s wrong. Stop it now while it’s only one incredibly long superbly amazing kiss._

‘I need to go to the bathroom’, I excused myself.

 

 

 

I stopped at the bar first, ordering a glass of water. I zigzagged through the crowds, finding the bathroom with ease. My memory was still working alright. I refilled my glass with tap water, downing it in one big gulp, before refilling it and entering a toilet cubicle. I sat down and took my time collecting myself. I nipped my water. I wasn’t going to drink any alcohol anymore.

So I’ve had three glasses of water…

But I should drink another two before I went back.

I didn’t want to be drunk nor did I want a hangover.

‘Okayyy so… let’s reca- recapitulate’, I whispered to myself.

Lucien was here and I’d danced with him, real and proper dirty dancing, closer than was acceptable for someone who was in a relationship. Yet I’d done it.

And I’ve kissed him. Or he kissed me. Whatever, we kissed. My heart fluttered just thinking about it. We kissed and I hadn’t wanted it to stop. I had so totally reciprocated that kiss.

So what did it mean? Was I in love with Lucien? I was obviously attracted to him, I’d always considered him attractive from the way he looked to the way he behaved. He hadn’t held back while dancing with me either. Had he tried to seduce me? Did he find me attractive as well? Or was he just dancing that way because he was drunk? Had simply kissed me because he wanted to kiss someone? It would be natural for someone drunk and caught up in the moment to kiss someone without meaning anything with it.

Oh but Lucien was still there! And I was here.

How long had I been here?

I’d just left him.

Was he here with someone else? I hadn’t paid attention to who he was with.

 

 

 

I heard someone come into the bathroom. Water started running and a man grunted

A pair of heels clicked on the ground.

‘How much are you bleeding?’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Where do all these bruises come from?’

‘Selling ice cream isn’t my only job you know? Had some rough clients. These are from yesterday I think.’

‘Should we get you to a hospital?’

‘Oh please, I have had my nose broken before. Only increases the rugged look. Ouch’, the male voice hissed.

‘Let me take care of it. Don’t. Move’, a female voice hissed. A voice I recognized very well. Nesta. I flushed the toilet and pushed open my bathroom stall. Nesta and the tall man stood in front of a sink filled with blood and paper towels.

‘I’m fine. Just leave me to it.’               

‘I don’t care if you want my help, you’re getting it. Now bend your knees.’

Cassian bent his knees and Nesta, with one hand holding a paper towel and a tweezer with the other, was prodding the skin of his cheek.

‘You know, I thought I would never see you again’, Cassian confessed.

‘Shh’, Nesta hissed. She pulled something from his skin and dropped it into a trash bin. Her eyes noticed me in the mirror, causing her to turn towards me.

‘Are you drunk?’

I nodded. Was it that obvious?

Her face clouded, looking between me and Cassian.

‘But I’m fine enough, Nesta. You continue doing- whatever you’re doing.’

‘Someone tried to hit someone else with a glass. A shard hit him’, Nesta sighed. She tried to sound bored but it came out worried.

‘Az is escorting him out right now. Tamlin and Lucien will be fine.’

‘What?’

‘Yeah, I don’t know. Tamlin and some dude got into an argument. The two are being escorted outside. Tamlin needs to cool down sometimes.’

I ran outside.

Racing through the people, down the stairs, over the main dance floor and outside. Tamlin was being held by Lucien as another man was held back by Azriel. Rhysand was speaking to the man.

 

 

 

‘Are you guys fine?’

‘You’re not Feyre’, Tamlin muttered surprised while looking at me.

‘Sister.’

Tamlin’s eyes went back to the other man.

‘I wasn’t about to let that douchebag touch Mor and then insult her once she refused him. Why do all men keep thinking they can just own her? He’s lucky he’s getting away.’

I glanced towards the other man. Rhysand seemed perfectly poised for someone whose rape victim cousin just got harassed again.

‘I hope you understand unwanted advantages are unwelcome at this club. When a lady tells you off, you back off. Causing a fight when someone else keeps you from being pushy is especially unwanted. I hope you can understand that this club doesn’t accept that kind of behaviour. We want everyone to feel safe at this club. Unfortunately but understandably you’ll be banned from entering this club again’, I overheard him say with the sweetest smile.

‘What bout him? He hit me too.’

‘I handle him however I want. Now, please leave’, Rhysand said as he extended his arm towards the street. Azriel let the man go. Tamlin and Lucien walked back towards the club and I followed.

‘Elain, watch it!’

 

 

 

I was pushed aside, colliding with a muscled body which pulled me down as another body slid in front of me.

I blinked.

Rhysand and Azriel were suddenly right next to us.  
Lucien was in front of me, his hands in front of his face, covered in an awful red substance. Tamlin came from behind me.

‘Lucien? Lucien let me see?’ Tamlin asked.

‘The bastard ran off’, Azriel hissed.

‘The lows people sink to. Picking up a stray glass from the street and hurling it at someone? Azriel call the police, that’s twice he’s attacked and harmed people at my club, with glass nonetheless. We have camera footage, tell the police we’ll hand it over to them.’

‘Oh my god! An ambulance! ‘Tamlin cried. He took his phone out of his pocket but it fell out of his hand.

Lucien moaned and moaned, the sound akin to something inhuman.

‘My eye’, he grunted.

 

I grasped my phone and dialled 911 and gave the street, club, told them he was attacked with glass in the face and told them his blood type, just to be safe.

I didn’t know where it came from, but someone thrusted a cold pack with ice, antiseptic spray and a bunch of paper towels in my hands.

I didn’t know when I’d done it but I was sitting next to Tamlin now.

I took some paper towel and the bottle of antiseptic.

‘Let go, Tamlin.’  
Tamlin let go of the handkerchief he’d held against Lucien but it stuck to his skin because of the blood flow.  
I should leave it like that, but I needed to assess the damage.

I gently pulled it away.

‘Oh god.’  
It was an absolute mess and I couldn’t even asses or register how bad it was. My mind shut down and kept me from guessing the implications of the injuries.  
I screwed the sprayer from the bottle of antiseptic and poured it over Lucien’s cheek, hoping it would get some small shards out, in case there were any.  
I held the paper towels against his cheek.

 

 

Lucien’s own hand kept covering his eye, his face scrunched in pain.

‘Lucien? Lucien please let me look.’  
I peeled away his hands. ‘Try to open it please.’

His eyelid moved but he clasped his hands over it again. ‘It hurts too much.’

This wasn’t a good sign.

I didn’t know how much time had passed by the time the ambulance came around.

‘Are you guys together now?’ Tamlin asked.

‘I- I’m supposed to be together with Graysen until the end of the holiday’, I sighed.

‘Fine’, Tamlin said. ‘You met his mom right?’

I nodded.

‘8246, code of his phone. Call her.’

 

 

And just like that, Tamlin decided I was the one going into the ambulance with Lucien.

 

 

 

* * *

 

As they laid him down on the gurney I took his phone out of the front pocket of his jeans.

‘Haven’t I seen that boy before?’ one of the paramedics asked.

‘Don’t know’, another one said.

‘Can’t be that many young men with long red hair.’

‘He went along a couple of days ago, he gave blood to the mayor when he had his accident.’

‘Oh yes!’

The man looked at me. I gave him an awkward smile, desperately wishing my skirt was longer and my head less inebriated.

‘I don’t remember you.’

‘I was only at the hospital.’

‘You his girlfriend?’ the man asked as two other medics fuzzed over Lucien.

I smiled, avoiding the question. ‘I’m calling his mom if that’s alright?’ He gestured to me that it was more than alright.

So now that I’d upheld a decent conversation, what was the number Tamlin told me?

Four -five – something -two? Eight? Yes, there was an eight.

Wrong.  Two tries left. The four came later in the code, if my memory served me right.

Come on, Elain. Focus.

4, 8, 2 and what else? It were all even numbers. Six? Yes, six. But the order. It was probably logical. 8624? 4862?

Wrong. One try left. Well what did it matter if it got blocked? Blocked or not blocked, it was useless if I didn’t get his mother on the line.

8246.

Yes!

 

 

I clicked on his contacts and found his mom soon enough. I didn’t know the time, but she would probably be asleep.

She picked up on the third ring.

‘Lucien?’

‘It’s Elain, we’re in an ambulance. Someone attacked Lucien with a glass. We’re on our way to the hospital.’

‘Is he very injured?’

‘The cuts look bad and I don’t know how bad his eye is. I only know he can’t open it.’

‘Tell her to bring the insurance papers and to ring the insurance’, one of the medics said.

‘Bring the insurance papers and ring the insurance, they tell me.’

‘I’ll be there in thirty minutes. Thank you, Elain.’

 

 

‘There’s a big shard of glass stuck in that eye. We can only remove it in the hospital. Will we be able to – I can’t assess the damage…’ Fragments of conversation floated through my ears but I could only stare at the blood.

‘I don’t know, call doctor Arkell, he’s on the night shift.’

 

 

Oh Lucien, poor innocent Lucien.

Just an hour ago my biggest worry was how we’d deal with our kiss. How did we end up like this?


	9. Elain II - Hospitals and hope

 

Sobriety was never so easily achieved as when a person who was alive and well in my arms just an hour ago, was being ridden away on a gurney, arms limp and lifeless because of the anaesthesia running through his veins.

 

The last few hours I had spent in darkness, with loud thumping music and only flashes of pink and blue illuminating the joyful faces.

The hospital immersed me in an opposite world where everything was bleak instead of dark with morose faces spending their time in a deafening silence.

Somehow I found the white sterile waiting room more strangling than the dark. All kinds of magical and awful things happened in the dark, but in this bleak white world there was only one ward that could bring joy, and even that ward had an abundance of sad tales no doubt.

 

 

I forced myself to act normal. I brushed my hair and corrected my makeup in the bathroom. I drank bland black coffee from the machine in an attempt to shock myself back into wakefulness. I texted my sisters to update them on my whereabouts.

I informed mrs. Vanserra when she arrived.

But I couldn’t snap out of it.

I knew from a distance my behaviour was off. I shouldn’t behave nor feel like this. After all, however which way you turned it we were only acquaintances at best who so happened to share a drunken kiss.

This was not my place. I should take my leave. I wasn’t thinking straight and my feelings were all over the place.

 

 

 

 

‘Elain, love. Are you alright?’

Mrs. Vanserra lay a hand on top of mine.

‘I guess.’

‘Who else was with you when it happened?’

‘It’s all kind of a blur. Tamlin, Rhysand, Nuala and Ceridwen were in the club somewhere too. I don’t know why Tamlin didn’t go in my stead. I’m just-‘ I sighed.

‘Lucien probably told him of the way you helped with Helion.’

‘But the medics were already there. There was nothing left for me to do.’

‘Tamlin lost his mother and sister in this very hospital dear, maybe he chose not to go for his own wellbeing. And he isn’t exactly known for keeping his cool.’

‘Oh I didn’t know that. How awful.’ So maybe Tamlin didn’t push for me to go because Lucien and I had kissed.

 

 

‘About Helion, he was fully aware today for the first time since the accident. I wanted to tell Lucien so that they could talk, but I hadn’t seen him since breakfast. He’s really bad the last couple of days.’

‘So I’ve heard. I’m afraid we haven’t been in touch the last couple of days.’  
‘It’s nothing personal dear, or well. Kind of.’

‘I don’t understand mrs. Vanserra.’  
‘What do you feel for your boyfriend, I’ve noticed you two don’t exactly have a warm and loving relationship.’  
‘My boyfriend is cheating on me, and has so for a long while. Not only that but he has also abused those who work for the resort. He’s a monster who happened to put on his sheepskin when we spent time together. I only found out recently. But I’m afraid that if I break up to him, our holiday comes to an end and there are multiple reasons I don’t want that. Ranging from my sisters working on projects here, to me wanting to use what he has to offer in some odd kind of revenge.’

‘Darling, you’ve already paid for your stay. We can’t demand people to pay more once we gave them a discount and signed the contract. You’re staying. He may make your stay unpleasant but we can help a little bit to prevent him from doing so.’

‘That’s possible?’

‘It is, if you wish it. You’re not in my shoes honey. You’re young and without a child, and your boyfriend may be awful but he’s not physically aggressive nor does he have ties to gangs like my husband does. You don’t have to stay with him if you don’t love him.’

A weight fell from my shoulders.

‘Even I won’t stay with Beron anymore.’

‘You won’t?’

Her smile trembled, but smile she did.

‘Helion and I agreed that I would start collecting evidence from the bad businesses that have gone on at the resort, specifically the business my husband is doing. We’re going to send it to a very reliable attorney to see whether the evidence and crimes will be enough to put him in jail. I have a whole bunch of sons ready to take over, they’ve been prepared for that their entire life.’

‘Good, because mr. Nolanson has only one son.’

Mrs. Vanserra raised her eyebrows. ‘He raped multiple girls. Even got someone pregnant against her wishes.’

‘Gods, that’s awful. Not enough to put him in jail unfortunately. Our country is really bad at punishing rapists, but it’s bad enough that he won’t be able to continue his father’s work. He hasn’t- if I may ask… You’re fine right?’

‘Yes, I’m good. He spared me. As I said, he’s very good at hiding his bad side.’

‘Mrs. Vanserra? We’re done operating on your son. If you please follow?’ Mrs. Vanserra stood up and took three passes before looking over her shoulder.

‘Come, you don’t have to stay back here on your own.’

 

 

 

The doctor didn’t question her as she took a girl dressed to party along with her.

‘So, about Lucien, do forgive me if I build up to the more serious and start with the basics if you please. Lucien appeared to have a very high percentage of alcohol in his body. It was well above the maximum recommended amount. I don’t know if this is something that hasn’t happened before or whether the boy has a-‘

‘My son is not an alcoholic. He rarely parties but when he does and has other things going on, he may occasionally drink a bit too much. But it’s not a problem.’

‘Good. Well, further on he has an iron deficiency but I see this hospital has already written out a prescription to remedy this, but that’s as far as his important blood stats go.

Tonight he was injured with a glass, that’s the information we got and the injuries match. There was no sign of other harm. The glass did manage to create an extraordinary amount of damage, whoever threw it must possess quite a bit of strength. I don’t know if who did it was an acquaintance?’

The white haired man’s blue eyes peered at me over the tops of his glasses.

I shook my head.

‘It was a tall man who had previously tried to force himself upon a female friend of us. The night club owner had just thrown him out when he decided to throw the glass. I think he was aiming for the friend who had kept him from our female friend, but Lucien noticed and threw himself…’

Between me and the attacker. The attacker had just thrown the glass out of spite with no definitive direction, except towards the group Tamlin was walking with. But I walked at the back. I was the one Lucien pushed aside. He protected _me_.

‘Yes?’

I coughed. ‘He threw himself between us and the glass.’

‘Very heroic. However you would have all been better off if the glass broke against the backs of your heads. That’s just bone and hair. By throwing himself in front of you he exposed his eyes, nose, mouth and neck to potential shards of glass. In the very worst case the glass could have broken against his neck and slashed an artery. Your friend is not very lucky, but lucky enough. It looks like his facial features will not drop but he may experience a loss of sensation around the area. As the glass broke on the side of his forehead where he’ll have a big bruise for the week to come. A large glass fragment slipped down alongside his face leaving a long scar that required thirty stitches. They’re organic so they will dissolve naturally but we want to check up on him the coming two weeks to make sure it heals properly. There were also some minor cuts to that side of his face, those didn’t require stitches and I expect them to fully heal but it will probably leave some scars, it’s summer time and we know sunlight increases the likelihood of scarring. He has some swelling, but nothing is broken. That’s his face, now for his eye… That’s another case. Mr. Vanserra got some glass splinters in it. We managed to remove all of them, however some got in quite deep. His eye will be sore for perhaps a week or two as the shards rasped his eyelid. We cannot yet tell how his vision will be, we will have to wait until he wakes up. However, he more than likely will not be able to see with it right now. He will probably recover a portion of his sight, seeing double and blurry images at first but probably recovering until he can see at least see shapes and images. Even if his eye will never again function properly, we advocate he keeps it as two eyes, even when one is barely of any use. It will still be able to help him in estimating distance and depth and noticing objects and persons.’

‘So he gets to keep his eye and will still be able to see, albeit perhaps less well than before?’

The doctor nodded in agreement with Mrs. Vanserra’s conclusion.

‘I would like to see my son now, if that’s possible.’  
‘It is, madam. But I do wish to warn you, there’s a lot of swelling, the stitches will look dark and his eye will be red and swollen from surgery. Do not panic, it looks worse than it is.’

Mrs Vanserra nodded and stood once the doctor came to a stand.

 

 

 

 

 

My heart was beating madly. I remembered how my heart raced this night when we kissed. I could’ve prevented all of this if I hadn’t left him alone. We could’ve kept on kissing in a corner, danced, we might have taken each other home… Maybe we would have waken up awkwardly after… Or maybe we would have avoided each other a couple of days while figuring out how we dealt with the kiss while I was in a relationship.

So much had happened tonight.

Lucien’s good side greeted us when we entered. Amidst white sheets and white curtains, his red hair circled his head like vibrant tongues of fire. His bronze skin seemed dull now. How did he look so small in that bed. He looked awful, not beautifully frail like all those people in hospital shows. His mother immediately went for his bed side, but I slowly inched closer. Flashes of blood and screams of anguish had occupied my mind the last couple of hours. My mind had shut down, I had seen the injuries but I hadn’t let my mind process them. The blurry memories of tonight were not yet incorporated into my mental image of Lucien. But if I would see his full face now, my mental image of him would alter and the injuries would merge with his other facial features.

Could I face the aftermath of tonight?

If I did it was all real. The kissing, the fight, his sacrifice. I closed my eyes and stepped across the last few tiles. It’s the sacrifice he brought for me, he could’ve let the glass hit my head and we would’ve been better off.

I opened my eyes.

‘Oh!’ I sank to my knees. His eye was concealed with gauze, but the angry red and brown line slashing from his temple to his eyebrow and from his cheekbone to the edge of his jaw was impossible to miss. A big blueish purple bruise covered the left side of his forehead and his cheek was swollen to the point of it looking like dough.

 

 

 

‘Lucien?’ his mother asked silently.

I looked up from the foot end of the bed. She was holding his hand as his fingers twitched. I couldn’t help a sigh of relief. After everything that happened, he was finally waking up again.

The feeling of being out of place grew again. What was I going to say to Lucien? He’d probably wonder what I was doing here.

I migrated towards the chair on the other side of the bed.

Why was Mrs Vanserra so kind to me? Taking me to the doctor and now to him? She knew I had a boyfriend, she could be under no confusion as to the bound between me and her son.

‘Excuse me I need to go to the restroom.’

 

 

 

I left the room, got lost on my way to the nearest bathroom, and was faced with yet again a plethora of texts and missed calls from Nesta, Nuala and Ceridwen. Feyre hadn’t left me anything, probably because she depended on Nesta to relay the news to her. I took my time answering them… And got lost on my way to the room again.

I hadn’t been prepared to be met by three russet eyes when I re-entered the room.

 

 

‘Elain?’

I still wasn’t prepared for this moment.

‘Hey’, I muttered. And suddenly it was all too much as my voice crumpled and my eyes started watering. ‘You got me worried.’

He nodded morosely. ‘Excuse me if I’m a bit fazed between the drugs and the hangover.’

‘It’s nothing, I’m just happy you’re awake.’

I went back to my seat on his good side. He was still holding hands with his mother. I ached to touch him as well, to verify that he was alive, but it wasn’t my place.

‘About tonight-‘

‘Thank you for protecting us tonight. I’ve heard it was an action with more downsides than merits, but I’m grateful nonetheless.’

He meekly touched his cheek. ‘Is it awful? She won’t tell’, he said while staring at his mother.

I couldn’t help an unsteady laugh escaping my mouth. It had been too long since we talked. Tonight we’d just danced before it happened. The time before that had been here in this very hospital.

‘It’s quite awful. But you wear it well.’

‘How does one wear a wrecked face well?’

‘By being alive to wear it, the glass could’ve hit your neck and then it would’ve been game over.’ His expression immediately changed, and his hands quickly took mine.

‘Hey, a neck is hard to hit. It didn’t happen.’

‘But it could’ve.’

‘If we start with that I could say that the glass could have flown right past us and nothing would have happened.’

‘Or maybe if I occupied you a bit longer, we wouldn’t have been outside at all.’

And that’s where the tone suddenly shifted.

How did I keep spilling things which weren’t meant to be spilled?

Mrs Vanserra stood and left the room.

 

 

 

 

‘Elain I-‘

I looked away, but kept our hands entwined.

‘I’m sorry I kissed you. I shouldn’t have.’

‘I kissed back.’

The silence was awful.

‘Are you saying that to take partial responsibility or am I to take a hint?’

I shrugged.

‘Elain, I- We… Can we just be honest now?’

‘I am honest.’

‘But you don’t tell everything.’

‘I don’t know how.’

‘Then I shall start. I’d been planning to talk to you again but I couldn’t find it in me to. Nor did I know how to start. I hadn’t expected to see you yesterday, and I definitely hadn’t planned on it turning out that way.’

Oh god. He had simply been drunk.

‘After Helion’s incident it just felt too overwhelming. You know I’ve hated my dad for all of my life and felt like I didn’t fit in. I learned that all of my suffering, including the loss of my previous girlfriend had been perfectly preventable. I could have had a happy youth. I was angry with my mom for not telling me. But I was also angry towards lies and deceit in general. And you got stuck in the middle of that anger because of the lying, because you were still together with him while being obviously unhappy and I…. Never mind, I just didn’t want to see it.’

The parallels with his mom had been too great.

‘I didn’t know you were so bothered by it.’

‘No, you can do whatever you want. You’re a free woman, I’d probably want to take something if someone cheated on me. My opinion as a whole doesn’t matter. I just couldn’t take something else on top of the whole affair. Not that you’re added weight it’s just that-‘

Lucien sighed.

‘I’m trying to hide something here but it disturbs the message I’m trying to send too much. Elain.’

I looked him in the eye again.

‘I care for you, and it bothers me to see you hurt and neglected. I’m not in my best shape right now, first mentally and now physically, and I had a lot going on. Seeing you being treated like that and having to stand on the side-line was just too much.

‘I’m going to dump him.’

‘What?’

‘I’m going to dump Graysen. I can’t live this lie. I feel awful. Feyre’s performance is tomorrow. I’m going to dump him then. Your mother just told me he can’t throw us out just because he wants to. It’s going to be strange though, mentally I’ve already said goodbye but actually having that conversation, saying those final words, having whatever aftermath there may be… It’s daunting. Because once that is settled, it’s real. I’ll have to start making new plans then. Not that the plans I have with Graysen are ever coming true now, I want nothing to do with him anymore, but after I’ve dumped him I will need to figure out what to do with my life. I had it planned: the kids, the house, the job. It’s scary to turn twenty two and figure your life out all over again.’

‘I know the feeling. Except I even need to figure out who my family is. One thing is certain though, drinking really doesn’t solve existential problems.’

‘I doubt it solves any.’

‘Agreed.’

As the conversation ended, the elephant in the room grew another ten sizes now that news of my decision had been announced. I'd thought about doing it after Mrs Vanserra told me our holiday would continue, but saying it out loud cemented my resolve. 

 

 

‘Well it did help with one thing’, he finally said.

‘Yeah?’

‘It made it a lot easier for me to express myself.’

‘It was deliberate?’

‘No exactly so, I hadn’t planned on it, but I had entertained the idea.’

‘Oh.’

Lucien’s face crumbled, his mouth twitching in a sour manner.

‘I never could quite figure it out. By the time it happened I had decided on a couple of things but-‘

‘But?’

‘I didn’t allow myself to think on it too much. All I knew was that I enjoyed your company, shared many of your views, considered you attractive… And so sorely missed your presence in those days where I didn’t talk to you. After Graysen’s cheating, nothing hurt me more than to hear Vassa say that you had no need for people you’d only known for two weeks.’

‘I can just imagine her saying that. I may have avoided you Elain, but I would have never turned away from you if you approached me. I’ll have a few words with her about it.’

‘Oh don’t, she did what she did because she thought it was the best for you.’

‘But Elain, all of that is irrelevant… If you need time or space that’s fine with me but in case you’d like to figure out your life together with me, so we can be clueless and searching together, please say so.’

I had yet to break up with Graysen, and here Lucien was standing in line already. Having taken more punches for me than Graysen ever had.

Did I want him?

The irrational emotional part of me had already lost its battle but I could still choose.

It wouldn’t be easy. His parents were on the verge of a divorce, his dad threatening to go into jail, his real dad hospitalized, his family was going to fall apart and he had to build an entire relationship from nothing with his real dad. And then there was the distance. Well, distance could be solved but we’d only known each other for such a brief amount of time.

Could it work? Would it? It surely wasn’t the best idea.

I suddenly thought of Feyre, who had, just like me, presented me with a list of practical reasons why she and Rhysand would go nowhere, yet I had encouraged her.

‘I want to see how this goes’, I decided before bending over and pressing my lips against his.

After this his Mrs Vanserra would come in and inform Lucien of Helion’s awakening, and they would talk together, the three of them including Helion. Mrs Vanserra explained all potential routes they could take from here. It was a lot to take in for someone with a hangover who’d had anaesthesia just a few hours earlier, but one thing was certain: he liked all options better than the current situation. And when Nesta finally picked me up, I was ready to go, assured that the summer could only end with an amazing stop to all the bad practices at the resort.


End file.
